Princess Mommy...

A few weeks ago Zoey and I were playing with her castle. My hair was grubby and up in a messy top knot, I hadn't managed a shower in a day or two due to a teething baby, and as I sat on the floor with my daughter I internally sighed at the extra bumps and inches that remain post pregnancy. And in the midst of that moment of self critism Zoey broke through and placed a crown on my head and said with the deep sincerity of a 3 year old, 'Here Mommy you need a crown since you are a beautiful princess'. It melted my heart to hear and then I realized, 'Good heavens she actually believes that...with all her heart'.

In that moment I had to ask myself, what is my responsibility in regards to my own self esteem, my own confidence, and how it impacts my children. 

Self esteem has been a tricky issue for myself through out my years. If I wasn't pinching and poking the parts of me I wish were smaller, smoother, or flatter I was second guessing my place in friendships, feeling unsure of what others saw in me. Far to often after spending time with others I was left critiquing myself and our interactions. 'Why would anyone want to genuinely want to spend time talking to such an odd duck like me?'. When Henry and I were dating I ended up confessing a feeling of inadequacy, a sense of a geeky kid hanging around the 'cool kids'. It is obvious to anyone who knows Henry, that he quickly dispelled those fears and made it his mission to make sure I had no reason to feel that way. After that moment and many moments since I have had to accept the truth of these emotions. These feelings are deeply unfair to my friends and family. It's not so much about how I feel but rather the fact that I am essentially calling my loved ones liars in my heart. With these feelings of premature rejection, I question the sincerity of the acceptance and affection.

 

I also had to work on changing my attitude in my view of my appearance. This one is a continual and challenging issue for me, but I had to accept that when my husband who loves me says I'm beautiful I need to believe him. If I look at him and say, 'No..you're wrong, I'm not' I am being incredibly disrespectful to him and again calling him a liar. There are absolutely moments where most of us feel more beautiful than in other moments, but I am choosing more and more to believe that those who love me see the good in me. The amazing thing about being surrounded by family and friends who love you is sometimes they can see the beauty for you, on the days when it's harder. If I had decided in that precious moment, when Zoey spoke such kind and honest words to me, to turn to her and say 'No Zoey, Mommy is not beautiful right now. Can't you see these bumps and marks? I haven't showered today and I haven't lost those last few pounds I want. So mommy is not a beautiful princess right now.' That would be quite the message to send my baby girl. Can you imagine?

The long and short of it is self esteem and feelings of self worth are complicated deep rooted issues. However, I am choosing to honor those around me who truly love me, and above all, honor my Heavenly Father who created me. I believe He is grieved by the unnecessary critism I heap upon myself. So I urge each person reading this to try everyday to see yourself through God's eyes and with the innocent truth of a child. I'm in it with you and I am rooting for you. And my sweet children, thank you for your unconditional love and affection. We pray that you always feel the same from your Daddy and I. 

Zoey Goes To Preschool...

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Zoey. Her parents loved her to the moon and back and decided that she was so perfect as she was that she should never grow up. Why should she grow up they thought, since there is no  possible way for her to become any more perfect. And so Zoey's parents tried their hardest to keep her from growing up. They kept her in the same clothes, called her baby girl, and snuggled her close to try and keep her little. But despite their efforts Zoey started to grow up. They noticed she was taller and looked more grown up, then they noticed she started to be able to do more things, she was playing more, talking more, and learning more everyday! As Zoey's parents saw these changes they were surprised that their perfect baby girl continued to be perfect as she grew and most amazingly, she was even more fantastic with each new day! With this knowledge and appreciation they sent their baby girl to preschool so she could continue to learn and grow. Zoey made friends, learned a new routine, and as they suspected, became even more incredible.

Zoey had her first day of preschool this week! We've been so excited for her to start since she mastered potty training! 

Our little girl has had an incredible summer. She has blossomed with confidence and an eagerness to interact with other kids (or friends as she says). If you asked me how the first day would go a year ago I wouldn't have known. I would have assumed it would have been filled with tears from both of us. But I dropped her off, she kissed me good bye and went to play. She did apparently have some tears in response to transition times but we expected that may happen. Preschool is one of the first real structured events she is trying and hasn't had to switch from activities terribly often until she wants too. However, she has a fantastic teacher and the routine is the same everyday, combined I am very confident she will adjust quickly. 

I think Sy had the toughest time with his big sisters first day. When he realized we were walking away from her classroom he started looking back at the room and wailing. He stared at her empty carseat until we got home and whenwe picked her up his little arms and legs flapped vigorously. They have such a loving and sweet relationship.

Today is day two and Zoey is excited to go back. It's an adjustment for me to mentally wrap my head around having a regular schedule during the week. 

Working from home has meant I

am fairly used to getting to complete most tasks from my home base. It's so exciting though and we are just thrilled that she is enjoying trying new things. We are so proud of little Zoey and grateful for great support for us.

What's In A Name...

When are you due? Do you know the gender? Do you have any names picked out?

These three questions are I would say top the list of questions asked of every pregnant lady I know. I know I heard them often during my pregnancies and I definitely have asked them myself. I suppose it's a mix of genuine curiosity while not being super personal questions which makes them safe. I've been thinking a lot about names lately and how we chose them for our children. We have a number of close friends/family expecting right now or who have recently had babies and names come up a fair bit. It's interesting to talk to others to find out how they picked names for their children, and what they found important. 

For both pregnancies we kept our name choices to ourselves. It's hard to say why exactly, but I suppose it was fun to keep something just between us. We knew Zoey was a girl so perhaps it was nice to also have that surprise left for others. There was also always the chance we might change our minds so not telling others meant not fielding the question, "Wait I thought her name was..."

I always find it fascinating to discuss with others what was important in choosing a name for some it's the sound of it, the meaning, originality, etc.

Zoey means Life in Greek and that resonated with us. We felt that was a fitting and powerful meaning to give her. A friend shared something that has stuck with me, she said that giving a blessing as a name means everyone who speaks their name is automatically speaking blessing into their life. The meaning of Zoey's name solidified the choice for us, but admittedly initially choosing her name was less profound. I've always been a fan of the actress Zooey Deschanel and what appears to be a spunky and warm indivual. Even though we changed the spelling (I still really do like the double 'o') to us it captures a spirited little girl with a huge heart and I think it will carry on for her as an adult. So far she has owned her name and made it her own.

Sy or Sylas we had picked since we were first married. Initially we wanted his name to be just Sy. We knew someone who's name as far as we knew was just Sy and we both thought it was original and he was a really easy going and confident guy, some of the characteristics we hoped our son would have. As we matured further in our faith we liked the idea of a Biblical name for him as well so we decided to expand the name to Sylas (Silas). Silas in the Bible showed great faith and trust in God and we pray daily that both our children can live their lives like that. Even though Sylas means something along the lines of Wood Worker we think the Biblical meaning is strong and we think he already suits his full name and nickname very well. He comes across with a bold personality and people comment regularly on his smile and cheerful disposition. 

Middle names for Henry and I, was a place to add names with strong meaning and use names that perhaps we wouldn't have used as a first name. Zoey's middle name is Faith and Sy's is Josiah. It's tricky to find names with meaning that also work well together with the first and last name. Faith we felt was something we want for Zoey, we've had to have faith from the very beginning as we started our journey into parenthood. Our faith in God the only thing that keeps us a float and we wanted Zoey to have a reminder of that. Josiah was a king during Biblical times and we really liked the name itself but also we loved a name that carried a history of faithfulness as well. Since he became king at the age of eight, only faith and full reliance on God would allow for success. 

There was a lot that went into the names we chose for our children. It's a big job choosing a name your child will grow up with and the goals for everyone are different and can change once you meet your child. But these are a few of our reasons we chose your names Zoey and Sylas, we hope they bless you.

Potty Training Continued...

About 20 years ago, or what feels abut that long ago, I posted about how we were venturing into potty training. Oh how optimistic and naive I was. I knew that potty training wasn't easy, I have more than enough friends who have struggled with it and worked with enough children in Daycare and Early Learning settings to know that it can often be a long drawn out process. But I think like many of us, I was tempted to hope that we would take a different route, one where suddenly she would wake up and be completely potty trained and I would smile proudly and we would carry on happily. That did not end up being the case. Being pregnant with Sy when we started the process I was hoping to have it all wrapped up long before he was born, the idea of needing to assist her and constantly question her need to go on the potty while caring for a newborn had very little appeal. So we kept at it, until one day she whimpered and said, "Mommy I can't do it." I questioned her a little bit and found that she seemed to have become overwhelmed by the whole process. So we took a break, stuck with the Pull-Ups and tried to keep her familiar with the idea of it at least, waiting for signs she was ready to try again. Sy was born and she was slowly starting to show a little interest again but as I feared I found it challenging to keep up with it during the 24 hour nursing stage. But we tried to stick with it, finding things that we could entice her with as rewards. We had been keeping at it mostly because we thought it was important to move past this stage until we realized that we had a different goal, she needed to be potty trained in order to attend the Preschool we had her registered for. So that has weighed on mind heavily this summer. However, Henry and I remained confident that like all other milestones with Zoey, she would likely just suddenly get it, we were just hoping it would happen in time for Preschool.

Jumping to this month, I will admit to starting to feel a bit discouraged and overwhelmed. I allowed myself to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong? Was she actually going to miss out on the start of Preschool because I wasn't doing this right? Good heavens was Zoey going to be sort of shy AND not potty trained? (I'm obviously kidding with the last one :) In hindsight, she may have picked up on my stress as she had a few rough days and meltdowns, which can be typical three year old behaviour but was quite unusual for her. Finally I talked to Henry about it and we agreed and admitted that we had been praying very little about it. I wondered why I had fooled myself into thinking that God wouldn't care about this issue? Or perhaps in my infinite lack of wisdom, I thought I could handle it. We agreed to start praying for wisdom for us and even that it would just work like most things had for Zoey. I also made a choice to have more confidence in Zoey herself. We started to see more progress over the course of a week or two but still not quite the consistency we needed to be able to say she was fully potty trained. Finally this week I decided reach out to our amazing Small Group community and asked for prayer on this issue. Literally the next day we had a near 180 change. Bailey was over and was able to get her to wear undies which up until that point, she had declared to be yucky. Once the undies were on she has been consistently asking to go on the potty and kept them dry for the last two days. We even went to the library and Daddy's soccer game without any accidents.

Anyone that has been involved in potty training knows that this is no small thing, it is a huge victory, and for me personally an exercise in faith. I have been reminded that my God cares about all things in my life, big and small. He has has constantly shown Himself to be unfailingly faithful to me, and I must do a much better job at doing the same in return. Perhaps this whole process has taken longer than I would ever have hoped or initially wanted, and I definitely felt discouraged at different points, but I feel that this success is that much sweeter right now because of the entire process. I have very few answers as to how God works, and this may seem like a very clichéd idea but I know right now, in this experience I am so grateful for prayer and a God who cares about my children and our lives in every area.

I know this process isn't necessarily over yet, we'll likely have some challenges ahead yet, but I'm so excited about how far we've come and I'm so proud of my sweet Zoey.

Catching Up With Sy...

I've failed at keeping up with updates on our life in general, nevermind specific updates on Sy. If I look back I was fairly consistent with monthly updates for Zoey. I suppose that's second child

Syndrome, but in my defence both of my children's baby books are up to date. So there is that at the very least. 

What's new and exciting for Sylas Josiah? Well he is six months old already!! It's cliqued to say, but mercy what happened, it's only a couple weeks ago that I was snuggling my brand new baby in the back of an ambulance. The fears I had before he was born about how to manage two children, logically and emotionally seem like distant memories. Life before him seems to never have existed, he fits so perfectly into our lives and family. He's so different from his sister, yet they are showing some strong similarities. Sy has been praised for his lack of shyness (another post for another day) which is true, he is more comfortable around others than Zoey was or is generally. However, he still shows he is most comfortable with familiar family and friends. He would automatically flash a smile at anyone who approached us but lately he is more inquisitive and takes in his surroundings first. But that mega watt smile is right around the corner. Added to his smile as of July 11th is his first tooth! He's been a trooper as two of them push their way up, but as the first cut its way through he woke up screaming in the night. Once it popped through he slept content the rest of the night. There is one more ready to come through in the next day or two and then hopefully he gets a break after that!

Summer has been a month of firsts for Sy, he's had his first solid food, began siting up on his own, along with his first tooth. 

We don't think it will be long before Sy's crawling around. He's rolling all over and is just starting to army crawl to toys just out of reach, particularly his sisters toys that she has moved purposefully out of his reach.

Zoey and Sy are really starting to interact.

He looooves his big sister and she loves him (as long as he leaves her toys alone).

Zoey went for a play date with her Auntie and as we drove away after dropping her off he whimpered and stared at her empty carseat the whole way home. Any time she looks at him he has a special grin just for her. If he's sad Zoey makes funny faces for him and 9 times out of 10 it cheers him up.

I love that they have a special relationship already. I know for a fact they will drive each other bonkers but our prayer for them is that they will have a relationship of love, respect, and a shared appreciation of their crazy parents. I'm grateful that they will always have each other. I may be biased but I think they both lucked out with the siblings they have.

My Love Letter...

I once told Henry that I planned to tuck a letter away in a specific place for him to find in case something ever happened to me. I know, strange, but this is sometimes how my mind works. The worst part is, that I told him this years ago and currently there is still no letter hidden away. We were talking about this on the way back from Calgary last weekend and I confessed to him that as comfortable and adept I feel with words, there seems to be no way for me to contain all the best parts of our life as a couple and with our babies in one letter. It seems I've tried for many years however, we have a shoebox overflowing with letters from while we were dating, notes tucked into lunches, and cards from birthdays and anniversaries. I try to regularly leave notes for him around the house and we have a, 'I Love You Because...' board in our room that I try to change every other day or so (I haven't done so well lately babe, sorry about that!). Our conclusion at the end of the conversation was that right now maybe there isn't that one specific note that contains all the sentiments and love between us because that seems impossible. Instead we have that shoe box, emails, texts, and photos from 7 plus years together that do a much better job expressing it all. 

The same goes for Zoey and Sy, I may not have one single note right now for them that tells them how much I love them. There are a couple cards that I have stored away for them from special occasions but mostly I have this blog. This blog I started to keep track of some milestones during my pregnancy with Zoey and keep geographically distant family in the loop. It's turned into more than that. I hope that it can be helpful to Zoey and Sy when they have their own babies and wonder what we did in certain situations or at what point they hit different milestones. It may serve as a larger Baby Book for them with greater detail and images than they will find in the store bought form. 

I have realized that this blog serves an even bigger purpose now, it's my love letter to them. It hopefully tells them a bit more about me and who I am/was at these stages in their lives. Most importantly I hope it shows them that even in the stressful, sleep deprived, challenging moments that come with parenthood, they were unconditionally, completely, crazy loved. I would love for each of them to see a Mom who savours the best she can every moment, stage, and cuddle. A Mom who sometimes felt like she had no clue what she was doing but kept trying because they are so worth it. A Mom who is so proud of them every step of the way and who's heart swells when they grow and meet new challenges, even if it doesn't go the way they hope or plan. And parents who love God, each other, and them intensely and will fight ferociously to protect the integrity and unity of our family. 

There are so many ways to create a 'Love Letter' for the ones you love, we all have our methods and formats. My Mom kept journals for my sister and I and regularly left notes as well. I still have the handwritten book of verses she made for me when I graduated High School. Henry doesn't always write notes but instead we have our Coffee Dates here and there and quality time to talk and reconnect, an equal form of a 'Love Letter' to me. Finding out that someone has been praying for you because they love you or because they felt they should also shows love. We all have our own ways. 

I hope that for Zoey and Sy, that they can look back at this collection of memories, notes, pictures, and moments and be always be reminded of my deep love and commitment to them....but I pray they know that anyways and always :) 

Running...

Have you ever seen a 3 year old run? How often do you get to see someone run with such pure joy? A lot of us run for various reason and even because we love it but generally it's mixed with a purpose for fitness, health, mental sanity. These are all great reasons to run, and they are my own, but when I watch Zoey run it's like nothing else I've seen before. She puts her whole body into it and pumps her little legs and arms until she has nothing left and then 20 seconds later is ready to do it again. She loves to make a game out of it and squeals and laughs while racing beside us. There is something about that slightly unsteady gait of a three year old, my three year old, that makes me heart swell and usually helps me forget how tired I am.

When I'm running inside on my treadmill I enjoy the ability to do something active for myself, to stay healthy, and get the pesky remaining pregnancy pounds off. Lately, as I've prepped to start my run I've felt overwhelmed and exhausted even before I start. This is likely a symptom a lack of consistent sleep (although it could be worse so I won't complain) and keeping busy with the kiddos during the day. But the other day as I watched Zoey run in the park and squeal and giggle with joy I started to reflect on my attitude. I've been running as a practice in discipline to keep myself healthy and to continue to 'recover' post pregnancy. While these are good goals I've set for myself, I think there is more room to run with joy. 

We have felt swamped with activities and various commitments lately. Along with them Henry has been working long hours with the busy season at the shop. Along with a few long nights for Sy, we have felt a little like we are asleep on our feet. However, for the most part the activities are a part of are all things we desire to do and enjoy being a part of. Henry has been working incredibly hard, but he works for an employer who's family we consider a part of our own. And in return they treat us the same. In the midst of long sleepless nights with Sy he still reaches up with his little arms around my neck and snuggles in for comfort. Even on the rare occasion when Zoey wakes in the night she just needs a hug and kiss to assure her of her security. It can and is exhausting in the night waking every hour but when I can I try and savour the extra time and snuggles with my sweet babies. Coffee helps too. 

It's obviously easier said than done some days but I am trying to commit to living my blessed life with more of the joy that my Zoey has when she runs.