It's Been Awhile...

The end of June is nearly here and I haven't published a post since March. Given how much I enjoy writing in this space it seems odd, but I suppose I haven't known exactly what to say. Well that, and we've been knock down, can't catch our breath busy for the last 6 months. But now, I think we are starting to breathe. Life is changing, drastically, but I think we are starting to relax by the grace of God.

Since January 2014 we were able to visit family, I was able to see Ebony for the last (earthly) time, we went to her funeral (which was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time), I started back at work which brought with it a ridiculous schedule and pace for both Henry and I, Sy turned 1 and Zoey turned 4, an a whole host of other highs and lows, joys and sorrows.

My job has been wonderful for the past six and half years. It's allowed me to have my children home with me and work full time. Something I have not taken for granted. However, it brings with it a crazy schedule, developing most of the day and then you teach in the evening 4 nights a week, which means you don't have much of a social life. Henry and pass by each other as I hand him the kiddos and headed into the office. It's always felt like a lot, but the last six months felt so much harder. It likely had a lot to do with the workload, and the fact that up until the last couple weeks, Sy was up in the night at least twice. Everything can feel more challenging without more than 4 hours of sleep. But we stuck it out and struggled and pushed to stay connected as a family. 

All that being said, it seems clear that our family is trying to adjust and pray about changes we need. We are not entirely sure what that means for us yet, but we are talking about it, a lot. And in the meantime we are looking forward to summer, because regardless, summer means Mommy isn't working. It also means, more family time, and actually eating suppers together. I'm also excited about the prospect of using this space for more creative things, perhaps postings about recipes (white chocolate sauce or the perfect cheesecake anyone?), activities with the kids and our new family venture with It Works! Global (we are finally feeling healthier! Boo stress yay Wraps and Greens!). 

So keep our family in your prayers and forgive me as we navigate this stage in our lives. But we are genuinely excited about what is potentially in store!

Little Girl Grows Up...

Today is the last day Zoey will be 3, and it seems appropriate given how grown up she has become. She still has that tiny little voice that melts my heart, the same big baby blue eyes that she has had since the day she was born, and her hand still fit snugly in my hand. She's still my baby girl, but in the last few months, even weeks, she has grown up significantly in front of our eyes.

We had a demonstration of how much she has grown last weekend. She showed us how capable she really is under pressure. We were on our way out to Henry's soccer game when I popped out on the deck to grab supper off the grill so it would be ready when we got back. I shut the patio door behind me to make sure Sy didn't follow me outside when Zoey locked the toe lock on the door. She was being silly and having fun, but the problem was she didn't know how to unlock it to let me back in the house. Since we were on our way out, everything was locked up and my phone was inside. I tried for about an hour to give her direction to unlock the door and she tried, she tried so hard. The lock is tricky, even for adults who try it the first time find it a little disorienting so I understood why she was having trouble. We tried a few different options but nothing was working. I finally asked her to bring my phone to me, hoping we could squeeze it through a crack in the patio door. She climbed up on a chair to get the house phone and started to climb down. Unfortunately she didn't see that Sy had taken the vent cover off and she stepped inside and hammered her leg against the tile edge. I likely don't have to explain how unbelievably awful seeing your baby girl bruised, bleeding, and crying for you and being unable to get to her, feels. I was fairly sure she was going to be okay, but that feeling will stay with me for quite sometime. Despite all that, Zoey rallied and managed to keep helping me try and get inside. She mustered up bravery and climbed back up on the chair to get my cell for me. The crack in the patio door was just big enough to barely get the phone through so it took some time and some determined effort from Zoey. I was unsure if she was going to be able to get it pushed through, but she tried, and was not going to give up until she succeeded. My heart swells with pride when I think of it, it was incredible. Finally I had my phone and I tried calling Henry on the off chance that he had is phone on the bench with him. After thinking for a minute I decided it was time to call 911. They were so helpful and sent an officer to the house and a locksmith was close behind. The officer arrived first and amazingly got in through an unexplained unlocked window (they are all securely locked tight now). In the 20 or so minutes while we waited for the officer to arrive Zoey grabbed the iPad after I asked her to take care of her brother. She sat in front of the patio door and played games and turned on a movie for him so I could see both of them. She was mentally and physically drained by this point but kept talking to me and stayed remarkably in control. When the officer came inside she was a little stressed by the stranger inside the house while Mommy was outside. However, once I was inside the officer talked to her and she told him about her Owie and how she got herself a bandaid. I was so impressed at her willingness to talk to him and stay in control even then.

When Henry got home we recounted the story and he showed her how to unlock the door if it ever happened again. We also have a plan set for anytime something like this happens again, although hopefully it doesn't. We have been talking all week about how amazed and proud of Zoey we are, how she took care of her brother, even though she was hurt and scared she kept helping me, how she was brave and talked to the Police Officer, and how she took care of her brother and listened so well. She was very mature and grown up, and it seems so fitting that she would be having her birthday this weekend.

Our sweet Zoey is so brave, kind, loving, smart, and funny.

When she dances I feel unable to actually contain all the joy she brings me.

When she laughs we can't help but smile.

When she plays with and takes care of her baby brother we feel so much gratitude for her and her loving heart.

When she sings 'Let It Go' from Frozen, I am in awe of her mind and her ability to memorize and learn.

When she is patient and knows that we have presents for her but is willing to wait a whole two weeks, we nearly burst with pride.

When she uses her manners we are thankful for her willingness to listen and to bless others with her thoughtfulness.

We are so very thankful for you Zoey and can't wait to bless you on your Birthday tomorrow! We can't wait to see what this next year and every year after holds for you. We pray daily that God would continue to build you up and draw you close. Thank you being so perfectly you.

We love you! Happy Birthday Sweet Pea <3

Dear Ebony...

If you don't know my cousin Ebony, I am sorry to say you are missing out. She is fabulous, straight up fabulous.We actually are not first cousins, we tried once to figure out what 'number' cousins we are but decided it really didn't matter since we love each other so much, who cares how distantly we are related. I have had the privilege of sharing some truly precious moments and stages with her, we were engaged in the same year and married only a few months apart. While she was pregnant with her first child, she talked me down more times than I care to admit when I thought I was desperate to have a baby right away. Ebony was the one who told me to stop being a dingbat and go take a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with Zoey and she squealed on the phone with me when I asked how she felt about another cousin. I was equally thrilled when she told me she was having another baby as well, and it  always seemed appropriate that we would be able to share the experience of pregnancy and raising our girls at the same time. She has always been an incredible source of inspiration and advice. Ebony has been a willing sounding board during my parents divorce, always sympathetic and most importantly ready to keep me looking to God for ultimate comfort and wisdom. Her faith is truly one of the greatest things about her and it is contagious.

I had just put Zoey to bed and was waiting for her to fall asleep when I got the email that told us that the cancer she had fought so hard, the cancer she had beat, was back and aggressively so. My heart shattered and I instantly knew why God had been placing her so firmly on my heart for the last week. Over the last few months since that moment, she has shown me and countless others, what true strength and faith looks like. We managed a long overdue visit this summer, and had the chance to meet each others children. Over the past few years it seems that someone was always either expecting or had  children opposed to traveling making it hard to see each other in person. It was a quick but fantastic visit, the kids were fast friends and we laughed and talked late into the evening and again through the morning. We managed another visit not long after that when we went to the city to meet my nephew. On our way home we stopped for a visit and lunch at their home and we were leveled when she told us the news that the cancer was even worse than we thought. The doctors had told them she had 2-3 months. The tears flowed while we talked, I told her I was sorry I was crying and they chuckled and told me it was okay they had just finished themselves. I felt totally incapable of knowing what to do, say, or feel but Ebony, as always, put me at ease. She told me she was okay, she was okay because she is eager to see heaven and be with God. She told me she knows it will be okay because the ones she loves will join her there. That faith has been a balm to my heart these last few months. That kind of faith comes only from an unshakeable, unwavering love, faith, and belief in our God, Father, and Saviour. I know that in the midst of all this horrible, it shines to everyone she interacts with. Faith doesn't mean there are no tears, sadness, or even fear but it means those things are temporary because God is forever.

I told Ebony during that visit, that the impact she's had on me and others is immense and I was surprised that she seemed unconvinced. I'm not sure if she knows it now, but I know it myself even more. She has impacted people she has not met, people who have heard her story and recognized her strength and faith. I know the people that know her and love her do so because she loved them first with compassion and joy. Her family, her husband and children are a testament to who she is. Her choice in a husband shows a lot of her qualities, they are an incredible match and share a deep love for one another and commitment. They share the same sense of humour and love of God. He has been by her side though this journey and Henry and I feel honoured to call him family as well as a friend. Her children are examples of her and her husbands faith and commitment to God. They are both filled with energy and incredible personalities. When they met Zoey for the first time they were eager to make a new friend and were kind and warm. I was so very touched at their desire to make my shy little girl feel at ease. They are just flat out, amazing children.

Laughter is never far away in Ebony's family, even after hearing such devastating news, we laughed, a lot. It may be a method of coping, but I think it can be a strength. It can be far more challenging for a person to be able to smile in the face of fear. And Eb has one incredible smile. Her smile makes people feel warm and accepted. It's a strange thing to say perhaps, but in early moments of our friendship anytime I was able to share laughter with her, I felt like I belonged. As I have discussed in a previous post, feelings of acceptance and belonging are not something I have come by easily. I remember a night in particular, while staying with her while at a conference, we stayed up way to late talking. By the end of the conversation, we felt we had a connection and had bonded as family and as friends.

Ebony is a beautiful person inside and out and my heart hurts and grieves for what she has endured. But, my spirit is lightened when I witness her faith and her love and reliance on God. I've been struggling with what to say and wanting to be helpful in someway, but that's challenging at times. This morning I was able to text her briefly and when I confessed my struggles to her she said, 'You're doing fine! Just be yourself' and once again I have taken her advice and decided what I could do was write. I seem to be a little better with words when I can write them out with a little more reflection. It makes it a little easier for me to say how much I admire and love her. It helps me to say that I know God is shining through Ebony and her family in the midst of such grief and pain. It makes me bolder to ask that you pray for her and her family, pray for healing and comfort, pray that God would continue to hold each of them close to Him as He has so far, and pray that Ebony will be able to see all the incredible good she has done and continues to do.

So...Dear Ebony,

I love you.

Always.

Love, your Cousin Ashley 

An Expression Of Gratitude...

Sy is 11 months old now and inevitably I find myself reflecting on his birth and all that was involved. I've tried for 11 months to find a way to express my immeasurable gratitude to the EMS and Firefighters who showed up so swiftly to deliver our precious boy. Time has buffered my memory of the events that led to Sy's birth but there are a few things that I remember vividly. 

I remember the moment I realized he was coming and that we no longer had the time to get to the hospital. While I recall a significant measure of calm, there was absolutely a fear of what was happening. As we waited, I told Henry I was afraid, the birth of our child was not supposed to happen like this. However in the midst of the fear of the unknown, I did know that EMS was incredibly close and they would be able to be at our home in a matter of minutes. 

I pass by the station nearly every time

I leave our house, and everytime I look at the building with a swell of gratitude. Each time I see an ambulance or fire truck I feel appreciation. They arrived so quickly once we called and were unbelievably calm. I know God had his hand over the situation when he placed the specific members on call that night. There was an incredible level of experience, professionalism, and compassion brought by each individual. Sylas's birth was uncomplicated and he was healthy, even if it was unexpected. After his arrival everyone was joyful, laughing, and happy. While I was exhausted they talked happily to me and truly listened to my requests. They gave me the time I needed to catch my breath and actually hold my new baby boy, something I wasn't able to experience right away after Zoey was born. Second deliveries seem to be somewhat easier for most women, but the differences between Zoey's delivery and Sy's are vastly different in more ways than the location. I felt better and oddly enough, in greater control. I know there are a lot of potential reasons for this, but one of the most significant being the care we received.

We are well aware of the blessing of a healthy delivery given the circumstances. An unprepared unexpected home birth could have ended with a far unhappier result, but I know that the team of emergency responders were equipped to handle the situation. 

I was told a little while after Sy's birth that I should get the hospital to pay the ambulance charges since the events occurred after I was sent home. However  I felt glad to pay such a small price for a service I deeply appreciated. My mom brought a gift to the station a few months later and we were both surprised at the irregularlity with which they receive thank you's. They were actually suspicious at first upon hearing we hoped to contact the chief, apparently it happens more often for complaints. So in the month to come I am hoping to find a way to express our immense gratitude for their swift response and the incredible care they gave each of us. I suppose until then, this will have to do.

Princess Mommy...

A few weeks ago Zoey and I were playing with her castle. My hair was grubby and up in a messy top knot, I hadn't managed a shower in a day or two due to a teething baby, and as I sat on the floor with my daughter I internally sighed at the extra bumps and inches that remain post pregnancy. And in the midst of that moment of self critism Zoey broke through and placed a crown on my head and said with the deep sincerity of a 3 year old, 'Here Mommy you need a crown since you are a beautiful princess'. It melted my heart to hear and then I realized, 'Good heavens she actually believes that...with all her heart'.

In that moment I had to ask myself, what is my responsibility in regards to my own self esteem, my own confidence, and how it impacts my children. 

Self esteem has been a tricky issue for myself through out my years. If I wasn't pinching and poking the parts of me I wish were smaller, smoother, or flatter I was second guessing my place in friendships, feeling unsure of what others saw in me. Far to often after spending time with others I was left critiquing myself and our interactions. 'Why would anyone want to genuinely want to spend time talking to such an odd duck like me?'. When Henry and I were dating I ended up confessing a feeling of inadequacy, a sense of a geeky kid hanging around the 'cool kids'. It is obvious to anyone who knows Henry, that he quickly dispelled those fears and made it his mission to make sure I had no reason to feel that way. After that moment and many moments since I have had to accept the truth of these emotions. These feelings are deeply unfair to my friends and family. It's not so much about how I feel but rather the fact that I am essentially calling my loved ones liars in my heart. With these feelings of premature rejection, I question the sincerity of the acceptance and affection.

 

I also had to work on changing my attitude in my view of my appearance. This one is a continual and challenging issue for me, but I had to accept that when my husband who loves me says I'm beautiful I need to believe him. If I look at him and say, 'No..you're wrong, I'm not' I am being incredibly disrespectful to him and again calling him a liar. There are absolutely moments where most of us feel more beautiful than in other moments, but I am choosing more and more to believe that those who love me see the good in me. The amazing thing about being surrounded by family and friends who love you is sometimes they can see the beauty for you, on the days when it's harder. If I had decided in that precious moment, when Zoey spoke such kind and honest words to me, to turn to her and say 'No Zoey, Mommy is not beautiful right now. Can't you see these bumps and marks? I haven't showered today and I haven't lost those last few pounds I want. So mommy is not a beautiful princess right now.' That would be quite the message to send my baby girl. Can you imagine?

The long and short of it is self esteem and feelings of self worth are complicated deep rooted issues. However, I am choosing to honor those around me who truly love me, and above all, honor my Heavenly Father who created me. I believe He is grieved by the unnecessary critism I heap upon myself. So I urge each person reading this to try everyday to see yourself through God's eyes and with the innocent truth of a child. I'm in it with you and I am rooting for you. And my sweet children, thank you for your unconditional love and affection. We pray that you always feel the same from your Daddy and I. 

What's In A Name...

When are you due? Do you know the gender? Do you have any names picked out?

These three questions are I would say top the list of questions asked of every pregnant lady I know. I know I heard them often during my pregnancies and I definitely have asked them myself. I suppose it's a mix of genuine curiosity while not being super personal questions which makes them safe. I've been thinking a lot about names lately and how we chose them for our children. We have a number of close friends/family expecting right now or who have recently had babies and names come up a fair bit. It's interesting to talk to others to find out how they picked names for their children, and what they found important. 

For both pregnancies we kept our name choices to ourselves. It's hard to say why exactly, but I suppose it was fun to keep something just between us. We knew Zoey was a girl so perhaps it was nice to also have that surprise left for others. There was also always the chance we might change our minds so not telling others meant not fielding the question, "Wait I thought her name was..."

I always find it fascinating to discuss with others what was important in choosing a name for some it's the sound of it, the meaning, originality, etc.

Zoey means Life in Greek and that resonated with us. We felt that was a fitting and powerful meaning to give her. A friend shared something that has stuck with me, she said that giving a blessing as a name means everyone who speaks their name is automatically speaking blessing into their life. The meaning of Zoey's name solidified the choice for us, but admittedly initially choosing her name was less profound. I've always been a fan of the actress Zooey Deschanel and what appears to be a spunky and warm indivual. Even though we changed the spelling (I still really do like the double 'o') to us it captures a spirited little girl with a huge heart and I think it will carry on for her as an adult. So far she has owned her name and made it her own.

Sy or Sylas we had picked since we were first married. Initially we wanted his name to be just Sy. We knew someone who's name as far as we knew was just Sy and we both thought it was original and he was a really easy going and confident guy, some of the characteristics we hoped our son would have. As we matured further in our faith we liked the idea of a Biblical name for him as well so we decided to expand the name to Sylas (Silas). Silas in the Bible showed great faith and trust in God and we pray daily that both our children can live their lives like that. Even though Sylas means something along the lines of Wood Worker we think the Biblical meaning is strong and we think he already suits his full name and nickname very well. He comes across with a bold personality and people comment regularly on his smile and cheerful disposition. 

Middle names for Henry and I, was a place to add names with strong meaning and use names that perhaps we wouldn't have used as a first name. Zoey's middle name is Faith and Sy's is Josiah. It's tricky to find names with meaning that also work well together with the first and last name. Faith we felt was something we want for Zoey, we've had to have faith from the very beginning as we started our journey into parenthood. Our faith in God the only thing that keeps us a float and we wanted Zoey to have a reminder of that. Josiah was a king during Biblical times and we really liked the name itself but also we loved a name that carried a history of faithfulness as well. Since he became king at the age of eight, only faith and full reliance on God would allow for success. 

There was a lot that went into the names we chose for our children. It's a big job choosing a name your child will grow up with and the goals for everyone are different and can change once you meet your child. But these are a few of our reasons we chose your names Zoey and Sylas, we hope they bless you.

Potty Training Continued...

About 20 years ago, or what feels abut that long ago, I posted about how we were venturing into potty training. Oh how optimistic and naive I was. I knew that potty training wasn't easy, I have more than enough friends who have struggled with it and worked with enough children in Daycare and Early Learning settings to know that it can often be a long drawn out process. But I think like many of us, I was tempted to hope that we would take a different route, one where suddenly she would wake up and be completely potty trained and I would smile proudly and we would carry on happily. That did not end up being the case. Being pregnant with Sy when we started the process I was hoping to have it all wrapped up long before he was born, the idea of needing to assist her and constantly question her need to go on the potty while caring for a newborn had very little appeal. So we kept at it, until one day she whimpered and said, "Mommy I can't do it." I questioned her a little bit and found that she seemed to have become overwhelmed by the whole process. So we took a break, stuck with the Pull-Ups and tried to keep her familiar with the idea of it at least, waiting for signs she was ready to try again. Sy was born and she was slowly starting to show a little interest again but as I feared I found it challenging to keep up with it during the 24 hour nursing stage. But we tried to stick with it, finding things that we could entice her with as rewards. We had been keeping at it mostly because we thought it was important to move past this stage until we realized that we had a different goal, she needed to be potty trained in order to attend the Preschool we had her registered for. So that has weighed on mind heavily this summer. However, Henry and I remained confident that like all other milestones with Zoey, she would likely just suddenly get it, we were just hoping it would happen in time for Preschool.

Jumping to this month, I will admit to starting to feel a bit discouraged and overwhelmed. I allowed myself to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong? Was she actually going to miss out on the start of Preschool because I wasn't doing this right? Good heavens was Zoey going to be sort of shy AND not potty trained? (I'm obviously kidding with the last one :) In hindsight, she may have picked up on my stress as she had a few rough days and meltdowns, which can be typical three year old behaviour but was quite unusual for her. Finally I talked to Henry about it and we agreed and admitted that we had been praying very little about it. I wondered why I had fooled myself into thinking that God wouldn't care about this issue? Or perhaps in my infinite lack of wisdom, I thought I could handle it. We agreed to start praying for wisdom for us and even that it would just work like most things had for Zoey. I also made a choice to have more confidence in Zoey herself. We started to see more progress over the course of a week or two but still not quite the consistency we needed to be able to say she was fully potty trained. Finally this week I decided reach out to our amazing Small Group community and asked for prayer on this issue. Literally the next day we had a near 180 change. Bailey was over and was able to get her to wear undies which up until that point, she had declared to be yucky. Once the undies were on she has been consistently asking to go on the potty and kept them dry for the last two days. We even went to the library and Daddy's soccer game without any accidents.

Anyone that has been involved in potty training knows that this is no small thing, it is a huge victory, and for me personally an exercise in faith. I have been reminded that my God cares about all things in my life, big and small. He has has constantly shown Himself to be unfailingly faithful to me, and I must do a much better job at doing the same in return. Perhaps this whole process has taken longer than I would ever have hoped or initially wanted, and I definitely felt discouraged at different points, but I feel that this success is that much sweeter right now because of the entire process. I have very few answers as to how God works, and this may seem like a very clichéd idea but I know right now, in this experience I am so grateful for prayer and a God who cares about my children and our lives in every area.

I know this process isn't necessarily over yet, we'll likely have some challenges ahead yet, but I'm so excited about how far we've come and I'm so proud of my sweet Zoey.

My Love Letter...

I once told Henry that I planned to tuck a letter away in a specific place for him to find in case something ever happened to me. I know, strange, but this is sometimes how my mind works. The worst part is, that I told him this years ago and currently there is still no letter hidden away. We were talking about this on the way back from Calgary last weekend and I confessed to him that as comfortable and adept I feel with words, there seems to be no way for me to contain all the best parts of our life as a couple and with our babies in one letter. It seems I've tried for many years however, we have a shoebox overflowing with letters from while we were dating, notes tucked into lunches, and cards from birthdays and anniversaries. I try to regularly leave notes for him around the house and we have a, 'I Love You Because...' board in our room that I try to change every other day or so (I haven't done so well lately babe, sorry about that!). Our conclusion at the end of the conversation was that right now maybe there isn't that one specific note that contains all the sentiments and love between us because that seems impossible. Instead we have that shoe box, emails, texts, and photos from 7 plus years together that do a much better job expressing it all. 

The same goes for Zoey and Sy, I may not have one single note right now for them that tells them how much I love them. There are a couple cards that I have stored away for them from special occasions but mostly I have this blog. This blog I started to keep track of some milestones during my pregnancy with Zoey and keep geographically distant family in the loop. It's turned into more than that. I hope that it can be helpful to Zoey and Sy when they have their own babies and wonder what we did in certain situations or at what point they hit different milestones. It may serve as a larger Baby Book for them with greater detail and images than they will find in the store bought form. 

I have realized that this blog serves an even bigger purpose now, it's my love letter to them. It hopefully tells them a bit more about me and who I am/was at these stages in their lives. Most importantly I hope it shows them that even in the stressful, sleep deprived, challenging moments that come with parenthood, they were unconditionally, completely, crazy loved. I would love for each of them to see a Mom who savours the best she can every moment, stage, and cuddle. A Mom who sometimes felt like she had no clue what she was doing but kept trying because they are so worth it. A Mom who is so proud of them every step of the way and who's heart swells when they grow and meet new challenges, even if it doesn't go the way they hope or plan. And parents who love God, each other, and them intensely and will fight ferociously to protect the integrity and unity of our family. 

There are so many ways to create a 'Love Letter' for the ones you love, we all have our methods and formats. My Mom kept journals for my sister and I and regularly left notes as well. I still have the handwritten book of verses she made for me when I graduated High School. Henry doesn't always write notes but instead we have our Coffee Dates here and there and quality time to talk and reconnect, an equal form of a 'Love Letter' to me. Finding out that someone has been praying for you because they love you or because they felt they should also shows love. We all have our own ways. 

I hope that for Zoey and Sy, that they can look back at this collection of memories, notes, pictures, and moments and be always be reminded of my deep love and commitment to them....but I pray they know that anyways and always :) 

Running...

Have you ever seen a 3 year old run? How often do you get to see someone run with such pure joy? A lot of us run for various reason and even because we love it but generally it's mixed with a purpose for fitness, health, mental sanity. These are all great reasons to run, and they are my own, but when I watch Zoey run it's like nothing else I've seen before. She puts her whole body into it and pumps her little legs and arms until she has nothing left and then 20 seconds later is ready to do it again. She loves to make a game out of it and squeals and laughs while racing beside us. There is something about that slightly unsteady gait of a three year old, my three year old, that makes me heart swell and usually helps me forget how tired I am.

When I'm running inside on my treadmill I enjoy the ability to do something active for myself, to stay healthy, and get the pesky remaining pregnancy pounds off. Lately, as I've prepped to start my run I've felt overwhelmed and exhausted even before I start. This is likely a symptom a lack of consistent sleep (although it could be worse so I won't complain) and keeping busy with the kiddos during the day. But the other day as I watched Zoey run in the park and squeal and giggle with joy I started to reflect on my attitude. I've been running as a practice in discipline to keep myself healthy and to continue to 'recover' post pregnancy. While these are good goals I've set for myself, I think there is more room to run with joy. 

We have felt swamped with activities and various commitments lately. Along with them Henry has been working long hours with the busy season at the shop. Along with a few long nights for Sy, we have felt a little like we are asleep on our feet. However, for the most part the activities are a part of are all things we desire to do and enjoy being a part of. Henry has been working incredibly hard, but he works for an employer who's family we consider a part of our own. And in return they treat us the same. In the midst of long sleepless nights with Sy he still reaches up with his little arms around my neck and snuggles in for comfort. Even on the rare occasion when Zoey wakes in the night she just needs a hug and kiss to assure her of her security. It can and is exhausting in the night waking every hour but when I can I try and savour the extra time and snuggles with my sweet babies. Coffee helps too. 

It's obviously easier said than done some days but I am trying to commit to living my blessed life with more of the joy that my Zoey has when she runs.

A Merry Christmas, But No Christmas Baby...

39 Weeks

Zoey snuggled up on Christmas Evening

A change in expectations can really take the pressure off. I had my last check on Christmas Eve and for about a week we have all been waiting, thinking with the symptoms and constant Pre Labour I was having, that Roo could come any minute. I don't think there was anything wrong with that, but it sets you up for some pressure. I was wanting Roo to come while my Sister in Law was here for Christmas and early in Henry's Christmas holidays. After chatting with Henry early Christmas morning, we realized that we had put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and honestly, the one birth we've experience was 2 weeks after the Due Date. It's not to say that Roo couldn't surprise us and come this week, but the likely hood seems low at this stage. I reminded myself that I know how to go 2 weeks overdue and I'm really okay with that. Other than sore hips and rotating 3 outfits as my belly outgrows all my clothes, I can't complain too much. With this new perspective, we have a plan in place that ensures Henry has enough time off after Roo is born and until then we can relax and enjoy the family time that we have. I think the stress of the end of work and the unknown factor in planning for the Christmas Holidays was more than I had anticipated or expected. But we have some pretty incredible family and friends who are more than accommodating as we wait.

Setting up her own mini Christmas Tree

We had a great visit with Henry's sister and her husband, Henry's parents, and my Mom and sister. It was a fantastic Christmas and Zoey loved it all, and was completely exhausted by the excitement! She was, as usual, totally spoiled with thoughtful and generous gifts from family. She LOVED opening them this year, her little hands frantically searching for edges to tear. She was sweet enough to help open everyone's gifts this year. Henry and I decided this year to do a smaller Christmas (in regards to gifts) with me going on mat leave right away, etc we thought we would like to keep it more low key, which really has always been our goal. So we were excited to pick out a World Vision gift as a family and a few smaller things for each other. It was really nice doing things that way this year and I think regardless of our circumstances, that's how we want Christmas to look in our house with our children. Focuses on the reason for the season, Jesus.

So with a change in perspective in regards to Roo's arrival, I am far more relaxed and honestly expecting baby will come sometime in January and I am completely okay with that. My Christmas Eve appointment told me there was very little change despite the continuous Pre Labour contractions. But as I said before, I'm feeling pretty good, exhausted, but good. I know that once Roo is here, I'll feel exhausted in a whole different way.

We are so very appreciative of all the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. Keep them coming and I'll be sure keep you posted!

38 Weeks....or 39...

37 Weeks

It depends on who you ask how far a long we are. My chart at the Dr's is going by the LMP, which apparently they almost always stick with regardless of Ultrasounds (I suppose for consistency). However, Henry and I, along with both Ultrasounds put the Due Date closer to the 23rd, which is right around the corner....um hello? Where did the last 9 months go?

I've been feeling pretty good lately, not much to complain about besides the typical aches and pains that come with the last days of pregnancy. I had another check up on Thursday and I was surprised when my Dr told me that all the cramping I've been having was actually doing something! My cervix is thinning which for me is something. I remember in the last month with Zoey, I was stuck at the same place for weeks. Since that appointment I've been having more contractions and a lot of pre labor symptoms. We're very curious what I'll find out at my Monday afternoon appointment. Who knows things could actually be happening. I suspect things could gear up a little after getting checked, but we are staying pretty relaxed either way. I did tell Henry yesterday though, that if Roo wants to stay put then the contractions can calm down anytime. It's a little exhausting after a few days.

Basement

I disappeared for a couple days as well last week after being hit with a ridiculous Cold/Flu. I hadn't felt that rough in a long time. My sweet husband stayed home from work on Friday to take care of Zoey for me since I could barely lift my head off the pillow. It took me nearly a solid week to fully recover. At it's worst point, I was so terrified that Roo was going to make his or her appearance while I was sick. You do whatever you have to, but the idea of going through labor and having a newborn in that state was intimidating. Thankfully, God heard my prayers and I was able to recoup and get the rest I needed. Just in time for Zoey to get a slightly lighter version of the Cold/Flu. It was an interesting week in the Duiker household.

While I was curled up in bed, Henry and his folks worked hard on our basement to finish it up, and I am thrilled to say that I am currently in our new basement with Henry and Zoey and loving it. Yesterday was the first day we were able to spend some family time in the new space together. It's taken up so much time and dedication and we are so incredibly thankful for those who made it possible.

I am unsure as to how life will be after Baby Roo arrives but isn't that always the way it goes. Sweet Zoey seems to senses something big is changing and her behaviour has reflected that unease. We know however, that with a great deal of patience from and towards each of us we will work through any challenges that will inevitably come our way. Henry and I are so excited for what is to come and can not wait to meet this new little person and learn about his or her personality. We look at Zoey and are amazed at who she is and are continuously falling more and more in love with her. Who wouldn't want to do that again! So we wait patiently and continue to pray that God will give us all we need to raise our 2 children.

36 Weeks and Prepping...

The end is in sight for this pregnancy and I'm faced with some mixed emotions. With the pain and discomfort that comes with this stage I'm excited to be winding down, and obviously, I am getting more and more butterflies about finally holding our precious Roo in our arms and kissing his or her sweet head. I get full blown weepy every time I see some sappy newborn moment on TV or really anywhere, but I remember feeling that way before Zoey was born too. At the same time, I'm fully aware that having Roo means a lot less sleep and the discomfort does not disappear immediately after baby is born. Between sore muscles, a bruised hoo ha, and nursing, there is more than enough discomfort to keep me hobbling for another week or two. At least I'm aware of it this time and I feel more mentally prepared. Regardless, it's going to be amazing.

It's been funny this time trying to figure out when Roo may arrive, with the visits the hospital and my Doctor asking me to finish work early, there is the sense of a potential early arrival. At the same time, Zoey was two weeks late and I fully expect that is a strong possibility this time as well. These pregnancy's have been quite different so it's hard to get a sense of what to expect. I feel like we are watching a Sand Timer and we can only see one half. We know that time is winding down as Full Term is already next week, but how much time is left? So our goal is to do our best to make sure we are ready to go as soon as possible and enjoy the end of this stage in our life with as much peace and enthusiasm as we can. Henry's incredible parents have been working non stop to help us finish the basement and there is so much amazing progress I cannot wait to share the finished product. The entertainment center is gorgeous, the flooring is perfect, and the paint colours and trim all all up. We hope to have some things moved down there this week so we can get Zoey's room set up and have the crib up and ready to go. All this necessary work and with the Christmas season in full swing we are trying our best to find the time to be together as a family. We counted weekends before our Due Date and were in shock! There are so many things we want to do together but really as long as we get moments where we can sit and talk, go for coffee a couple more times, and have days focused on Zoey it will all be fine. New baby or not, it always seems we are scrambling to fit everything into the day, week, or month and it's typically impossible. As long as you have the priorities straight, the less important things will fall to the side and Faith, Family, and Friends will win out.

Lots of Dr appointments so we have fun while we're there!

Finally, an update Zoey's sleeping progress. After a couple incredibly challenging nights and naps, I had a revelation. I was getting a little frustrated and assumed that my toddler was choosing not to go to sleep in order to be defiant and difficult. While in some cases it absolutely is a power struggle I looked at my daughter and realized in this situation, that was not what was happening. She was stressed and anxious. We had taken away the security blanket per say of falling asleep with us holding her hand away and said, "Now go to sleep or else". I thought about how to be a bit softer and understanding about that transition and since then things have gone really well. She needed to be reminded and assured that she was not alone and that Mommy or Daddy are right there, for the first while we standing by the door where she can see us and slowly we start to move a little farther, still popping in to watch her depending on how she's handling it. We read to her, tuck her in, pray with her, and kiss her head and as we get up she asks, "Door? Right here?" and we remind her that yes, we are right here. Isn't that really what we are always looking for? I know that in moments of fear and anxiety, my prayers are asking God to remind me that He's right here, and Henry and I are praying fervently that Zoey and Roo learn to lean on and feel that comfort always from our God who loves them even more than we ever could (which always seems surreal).

Sometimes there are even suckers!

I love that Zoey finds so much comfort with us, it assures me that we are doing something right for her. Yesterday she was having a rare moment with her nap time. She was completely catatonic about having to go to sleep and had worked herself up into a high level of anxiety. After nearly an hour of working with her Henry texted from work. I asked if he would mind Facetiming so he could talk to her (technology is pretty cool). So he called and she saw her Daddy and he talked to her for a few minutes. He asked her if she was okay and through hiccuped breathing she said, "Ya". He told her when he got home they would play and spend time time together and she seemed to be happy about that. Meanwhile, behind the phone, I was trying to keep myself together. Pregnancy hormones and really the shear preciousness of the moment was almost too much for me. After their chat Zoey asked for lunch and the chance for nap time was over so I called it and we had some peanut butter toast. She had a great rest of her day and went to sleep like a champ at bed time.

So that's really what's been going on in our house lately. We did get some amazing Family Pictures done by a wonderful friend and crazy talented photographer in Lethbridge. I would HIGHLY recommend Richelle Tucker at Limetree Photography (CLICK HERE) for any event or family photos you may be looking to have done. We only wish we had known her when we were married! I will share some more of the photos from our recent session once I have them all. Thanks again Richelle!

Ever Getting It Right...

Does anyone ever feel like they have no idea what they are doing in life and parenting? Anyone feel like you are royally screwing up your children? Good heavens I sure do! I'm hoping that over time that lessens as we see our children become self sustaining adults who hopefully go on to make their own good decisions.

I had a moment yesterday where I was plagued with doubts of my parenting ability. I am assuming it was brought on by a semi long afternoon of meltdowns and a need to be held every moment. In the light of a new day, even with it own challenges already, I see that while we had some 'moments' we had a great day together. We cleaned up, put away laundry together, baked snack and made some lasagna, listened to Adventures in Odyssey, she had a bath and so did the puppy. We wrapped the day at our Community Group which is always such a blessing. Zoey came with us this time and got to play with her friend who lives there. He's nearly twice her age but they do so well together it is so amazing for me to see. Since Zoey is a little shy, his personality helps direct her into an engaged playtime. So as we sat with our group wrapping our final chat about The Holy Spirit (Forgotten God by Francis Chan...read it!) Henry and I could see our quiet little girl bouncing and giggling with her friend.

It's in those moment God reminds me that despite my failings, our desire to raise Zoey and Roo in a God filled and directed household will be honored. It's shocking to think that truly, God loves our children even more than we possibly could and wants the best for them. If I want proof, really all I have to do is spend sometime just watching her play. She is beautiful, healthy, and so incredibly loving. And two.....sometimes I forget the impact that being two has on behavior and needs and it all come back into focus.

So I am trying to give us all a break and prayerfully remind myself that if I follow God in my parenting as well, Zoey will be be blessed in her future and growth. 

Up Coming Ultrasound and PUPPS....

For those who have followed along with me or heard my prayer requests, you know that I have become sadly familiar with intense itching. It has been diagnosed at Eczema but we can't really dig deep into the cause until after this pregnancy. I've been blessed with the ability to manage most flares through cream from my Dermatologist. However, on Friday last week I had what I call a flare up, but this one looked and felt different. My belly was incredibly itchy this time and it has never been before. I know better that to truly scratch as I told Henry, 'Think I have just enough marks on my belly, thank you very much". At night when I had a chance to examine my belly I noticed it looked like I was covered with Chicken Pox. 'What on earth is this!" I sighed and showed Henry. We had no idea and decided to do the best job managing it we could. I thought perhaps I reacted to Vitamin E oil I had tried that afternoon. Tuesday has come along and the rash and itch is still there. I went to see my doctor this morning to get his thoughts and his diagnosis was one I was hoping to avoid. He said it looks just like PUPPS. What is PUPPS you ask? It's a pregnancy symptom that happens to a lucky few. The belly, and sometimes legs/arms are covered in an itchy rash. There is very little they can do, and not much in the way of testing to find out for sure. The part I knew about and was disappointed about is that it disappears on it's own......after the baby is born. Baby will be unaffected, but I've got a ways to go yet and I was hoping I was sneak through the rest of my pregnancy without crazy itching and having my poor belly covered in hives. It's so superficial, but a pregnant lady, not much of your body is familiar or even yours, and we tend to love on our belly's as the proof of the amazing and huge work we're doing. So having that part of me marred is a little disappointing. However, I had my poor me moment with my sister, mom, and husband, and I am focusing on the health of my family, which I am so grateful to God! Besides, I'm used to being itchy now right!

My view at 20 weeks....it's awesome :)

20 weeks

On the horizon we have our Ultrasound next week and I couldn't be happier! Henry is going to come it with me and we can't wait to see Baby Roo and how he/she grown since the first viewing. My doctor told me this morning that Baby Roo is already a little stubborn. Roo does not want to be found when it's time for the dopplar. And when baby was found, there was a massive amount of wiggling to sneak away. It's been amusing seeing the differences between our babies. Zoey was a kicker! Always kicking and stopped at night to sleep and started wiggling right away, very true to her character. Baby Roo has been wiggly but much less so, there are fewer moments in the day and most when I lay down at night for about 20 minutes and then it's quiet for the night. When Roo logged into my Left side I couldn't for the life of me get him/her to move. I have no idea how a baby floating in fluid hangs on like that but I'm so enamored with Roo's personality.

Wore Daddy right out with all the blocks

Not sure why, but it's her new favorite spot!

After a long day of playing and healing

She saw Marshmallows in the The Lorax and she became obsessed!

Cozy coffee table

Zoey's hand is healing beautifully and I think very soon she can start playing in the dirt and on the playground again! She's been a trooper and minus some challenging days overcoming the emotional aspect of her accident, we've all landed on our feet and have been enjoying as much time together possible. Paint is going on the walls this week so we are seeing a slow wrap to this enormous project. We will be so happy to have this finished and not feel the draw of our time and energy. Until then, I will keep you updated once the colors are up!