It's Been Awhile...

The end of June is nearly here and I haven't published a post since March. Given how much I enjoy writing in this space it seems odd, but I suppose I haven't known exactly what to say. Well that, and we've been knock down, can't catch our breath busy for the last 6 months. But now, I think we are starting to breathe. Life is changing, drastically, but I think we are starting to relax by the grace of God.

Since January 2014 we were able to visit family, I was able to see Ebony for the last (earthly) time, we went to her funeral (which was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time), I started back at work which brought with it a ridiculous schedule and pace for both Henry and I, Sy turned 1 and Zoey turned 4, an a whole host of other highs and lows, joys and sorrows.

My job has been wonderful for the past six and half years. It's allowed me to have my children home with me and work full time. Something I have not taken for granted. However, it brings with it a crazy schedule, developing most of the day and then you teach in the evening 4 nights a week, which means you don't have much of a social life. Henry and pass by each other as I hand him the kiddos and headed into the office. It's always felt like a lot, but the last six months felt so much harder. It likely had a lot to do with the workload, and the fact that up until the last couple weeks, Sy was up in the night at least twice. Everything can feel more challenging without more than 4 hours of sleep. But we stuck it out and struggled and pushed to stay connected as a family. 

All that being said, it seems clear that our family is trying to adjust and pray about changes we need. We are not entirely sure what that means for us yet, but we are talking about it, a lot. And in the meantime we are looking forward to summer, because regardless, summer means Mommy isn't working. It also means, more family time, and actually eating suppers together. I'm also excited about the prospect of using this space for more creative things, perhaps postings about recipes (white chocolate sauce or the perfect cheesecake anyone?), activities with the kids and our new family venture with It Works! Global (we are finally feeling healthier! Boo stress yay Wraps and Greens!). 

So keep our family in your prayers and forgive me as we navigate this stage in our lives. But we are genuinely excited about what is potentially in store!

Little Girl Grows Up...

Today is the last day Zoey will be 3, and it seems appropriate given how grown up she has become. She still has that tiny little voice that melts my heart, the same big baby blue eyes that she has had since the day she was born, and her hand still fit snugly in my hand. She's still my baby girl, but in the last few months, even weeks, she has grown up significantly in front of our eyes.

We had a demonstration of how much she has grown last weekend. She showed us how capable she really is under pressure. We were on our way out to Henry's soccer game when I popped out on the deck to grab supper off the grill so it would be ready when we got back. I shut the patio door behind me to make sure Sy didn't follow me outside when Zoey locked the toe lock on the door. She was being silly and having fun, but the problem was she didn't know how to unlock it to let me back in the house. Since we were on our way out, everything was locked up and my phone was inside. I tried for about an hour to give her direction to unlock the door and she tried, she tried so hard. The lock is tricky, even for adults who try it the first time find it a little disorienting so I understood why she was having trouble. We tried a few different options but nothing was working. I finally asked her to bring my phone to me, hoping we could squeeze it through a crack in the patio door. She climbed up on a chair to get the house phone and started to climb down. Unfortunately she didn't see that Sy had taken the vent cover off and she stepped inside and hammered her leg against the tile edge. I likely don't have to explain how unbelievably awful seeing your baby girl bruised, bleeding, and crying for you and being unable to get to her, feels. I was fairly sure she was going to be okay, but that feeling will stay with me for quite sometime. Despite all that, Zoey rallied and managed to keep helping me try and get inside. She mustered up bravery and climbed back up on the chair to get my cell for me. The crack in the patio door was just big enough to barely get the phone through so it took some time and some determined effort from Zoey. I was unsure if she was going to be able to get it pushed through, but she tried, and was not going to give up until she succeeded. My heart swells with pride when I think of it, it was incredible. Finally I had my phone and I tried calling Henry on the off chance that he had is phone on the bench with him. After thinking for a minute I decided it was time to call 911. They were so helpful and sent an officer to the house and a locksmith was close behind. The officer arrived first and amazingly got in through an unexplained unlocked window (they are all securely locked tight now). In the 20 or so minutes while we waited for the officer to arrive Zoey grabbed the iPad after I asked her to take care of her brother. She sat in front of the patio door and played games and turned on a movie for him so I could see both of them. She was mentally and physically drained by this point but kept talking to me and stayed remarkably in control. When the officer came inside she was a little stressed by the stranger inside the house while Mommy was outside. However, once I was inside the officer talked to her and she told him about her Owie and how she got herself a bandaid. I was so impressed at her willingness to talk to him and stay in control even then.

When Henry got home we recounted the story and he showed her how to unlock the door if it ever happened again. We also have a plan set for anytime something like this happens again, although hopefully it doesn't. We have been talking all week about how amazed and proud of Zoey we are, how she took care of her brother, even though she was hurt and scared she kept helping me, how she was brave and talked to the Police Officer, and how she took care of her brother and listened so well. She was very mature and grown up, and it seems so fitting that she would be having her birthday this weekend.

Our sweet Zoey is so brave, kind, loving, smart, and funny.

When she dances I feel unable to actually contain all the joy she brings me.

When she laughs we can't help but smile.

When she plays with and takes care of her baby brother we feel so much gratitude for her and her loving heart.

When she sings 'Let It Go' from Frozen, I am in awe of her mind and her ability to memorize and learn.

When she is patient and knows that we have presents for her but is willing to wait a whole two weeks, we nearly burst with pride.

When she uses her manners we are thankful for her willingness to listen and to bless others with her thoughtfulness.

We are so very thankful for you Zoey and can't wait to bless you on your Birthday tomorrow! We can't wait to see what this next year and every year after holds for you. We pray daily that God would continue to build you up and draw you close. Thank you being so perfectly you.

We love you! Happy Birthday Sweet Pea <3

Dear Ebony...

If you don't know my cousin Ebony, I am sorry to say you are missing out. She is fabulous, straight up fabulous.We actually are not first cousins, we tried once to figure out what 'number' cousins we are but decided it really didn't matter since we love each other so much, who cares how distantly we are related. I have had the privilege of sharing some truly precious moments and stages with her, we were engaged in the same year and married only a few months apart. While she was pregnant with her first child, she talked me down more times than I care to admit when I thought I was desperate to have a baby right away. Ebony was the one who told me to stop being a dingbat and go take a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with Zoey and she squealed on the phone with me when I asked how she felt about another cousin. I was equally thrilled when she told me she was having another baby as well, and it  always seemed appropriate that we would be able to share the experience of pregnancy and raising our girls at the same time. She has always been an incredible source of inspiration and advice. Ebony has been a willing sounding board during my parents divorce, always sympathetic and most importantly ready to keep me looking to God for ultimate comfort and wisdom. Her faith is truly one of the greatest things about her and it is contagious.

I had just put Zoey to bed and was waiting for her to fall asleep when I got the email that told us that the cancer she had fought so hard, the cancer she had beat, was back and aggressively so. My heart shattered and I instantly knew why God had been placing her so firmly on my heart for the last week. Over the last few months since that moment, she has shown me and countless others, what true strength and faith looks like. We managed a long overdue visit this summer, and had the chance to meet each others children. Over the past few years it seems that someone was always either expecting or had  children opposed to traveling making it hard to see each other in person. It was a quick but fantastic visit, the kids were fast friends and we laughed and talked late into the evening and again through the morning. We managed another visit not long after that when we went to the city to meet my nephew. On our way home we stopped for a visit and lunch at their home and we were leveled when she told us the news that the cancer was even worse than we thought. The doctors had told them she had 2-3 months. The tears flowed while we talked, I told her I was sorry I was crying and they chuckled and told me it was okay they had just finished themselves. I felt totally incapable of knowing what to do, say, or feel but Ebony, as always, put me at ease. She told me she was okay, she was okay because she is eager to see heaven and be with God. She told me she knows it will be okay because the ones she loves will join her there. That faith has been a balm to my heart these last few months. That kind of faith comes only from an unshakeable, unwavering love, faith, and belief in our God, Father, and Saviour. I know that in the midst of all this horrible, it shines to everyone she interacts with. Faith doesn't mean there are no tears, sadness, or even fear but it means those things are temporary because God is forever.

I told Ebony during that visit, that the impact she's had on me and others is immense and I was surprised that she seemed unconvinced. I'm not sure if she knows it now, but I know it myself even more. She has impacted people she has not met, people who have heard her story and recognized her strength and faith. I know the people that know her and love her do so because she loved them first with compassion and joy. Her family, her husband and children are a testament to who she is. Her choice in a husband shows a lot of her qualities, they are an incredible match and share a deep love for one another and commitment. They share the same sense of humour and love of God. He has been by her side though this journey and Henry and I feel honoured to call him family as well as a friend. Her children are examples of her and her husbands faith and commitment to God. They are both filled with energy and incredible personalities. When they met Zoey for the first time they were eager to make a new friend and were kind and warm. I was so very touched at their desire to make my shy little girl feel at ease. They are just flat out, amazing children.

Laughter is never far away in Ebony's family, even after hearing such devastating news, we laughed, a lot. It may be a method of coping, but I think it can be a strength. It can be far more challenging for a person to be able to smile in the face of fear. And Eb has one incredible smile. Her smile makes people feel warm and accepted. It's a strange thing to say perhaps, but in early moments of our friendship anytime I was able to share laughter with her, I felt like I belonged. As I have discussed in a previous post, feelings of acceptance and belonging are not something I have come by easily. I remember a night in particular, while staying with her while at a conference, we stayed up way to late talking. By the end of the conversation, we felt we had a connection and had bonded as family and as friends.

Ebony is a beautiful person inside and out and my heart hurts and grieves for what she has endured. But, my spirit is lightened when I witness her faith and her love and reliance on God. I've been struggling with what to say and wanting to be helpful in someway, but that's challenging at times. This morning I was able to text her briefly and when I confessed my struggles to her she said, 'You're doing fine! Just be yourself' and once again I have taken her advice and decided what I could do was write. I seem to be a little better with words when I can write them out with a little more reflection. It makes it a little easier for me to say how much I admire and love her. It helps me to say that I know God is shining through Ebony and her family in the midst of such grief and pain. It makes me bolder to ask that you pray for her and her family, pray for healing and comfort, pray that God would continue to hold each of them close to Him as He has so far, and pray that Ebony will be able to see all the incredible good she has done and continues to do.

So...Dear Ebony,

I love you.

Always.

Love, your Cousin Ashley 

Princess Mommy...

A few weeks ago Zoey and I were playing with her castle. My hair was grubby and up in a messy top knot, I hadn't managed a shower in a day or two due to a teething baby, and as I sat on the floor with my daughter I internally sighed at the extra bumps and inches that remain post pregnancy. And in the midst of that moment of self critism Zoey broke through and placed a crown on my head and said with the deep sincerity of a 3 year old, 'Here Mommy you need a crown since you are a beautiful princess'. It melted my heart to hear and then I realized, 'Good heavens she actually believes that...with all her heart'.

In that moment I had to ask myself, what is my responsibility in regards to my own self esteem, my own confidence, and how it impacts my children. 

Self esteem has been a tricky issue for myself through out my years. If I wasn't pinching and poking the parts of me I wish were smaller, smoother, or flatter I was second guessing my place in friendships, feeling unsure of what others saw in me. Far to often after spending time with others I was left critiquing myself and our interactions. 'Why would anyone want to genuinely want to spend time talking to such an odd duck like me?'. When Henry and I were dating I ended up confessing a feeling of inadequacy, a sense of a geeky kid hanging around the 'cool kids'. It is obvious to anyone who knows Henry, that he quickly dispelled those fears and made it his mission to make sure I had no reason to feel that way. After that moment and many moments since I have had to accept the truth of these emotions. These feelings are deeply unfair to my friends and family. It's not so much about how I feel but rather the fact that I am essentially calling my loved ones liars in my heart. With these feelings of premature rejection, I question the sincerity of the acceptance and affection.

 

I also had to work on changing my attitude in my view of my appearance. This one is a continual and challenging issue for me, but I had to accept that when my husband who loves me says I'm beautiful I need to believe him. If I look at him and say, 'No..you're wrong, I'm not' I am being incredibly disrespectful to him and again calling him a liar. There are absolutely moments where most of us feel more beautiful than in other moments, but I am choosing more and more to believe that those who love me see the good in me. The amazing thing about being surrounded by family and friends who love you is sometimes they can see the beauty for you, on the days when it's harder. If I had decided in that precious moment, when Zoey spoke such kind and honest words to me, to turn to her and say 'No Zoey, Mommy is not beautiful right now. Can't you see these bumps and marks? I haven't showered today and I haven't lost those last few pounds I want. So mommy is not a beautiful princess right now.' That would be quite the message to send my baby girl. Can you imagine?

The long and short of it is self esteem and feelings of self worth are complicated deep rooted issues. However, I am choosing to honor those around me who truly love me, and above all, honor my Heavenly Father who created me. I believe He is grieved by the unnecessary critism I heap upon myself. So I urge each person reading this to try everyday to see yourself through God's eyes and with the innocent truth of a child. I'm in it with you and I am rooting for you. And my sweet children, thank you for your unconditional love and affection. We pray that you always feel the same from your Daddy and I. 

Catching Up With Sy...

I've failed at keeping up with updates on our life in general, nevermind specific updates on Sy. If I look back I was fairly consistent with monthly updates for Zoey. I suppose that's second child

Syndrome, but in my defence both of my children's baby books are up to date. So there is that at the very least. 

What's new and exciting for Sylas Josiah? Well he is six months old already!! It's cliqued to say, but mercy what happened, it's only a couple weeks ago that I was snuggling my brand new baby in the back of an ambulance. The fears I had before he was born about how to manage two children, logically and emotionally seem like distant memories. Life before him seems to never have existed, he fits so perfectly into our lives and family. He's so different from his sister, yet they are showing some strong similarities. Sy has been praised for his lack of shyness (another post for another day) which is true, he is more comfortable around others than Zoey was or is generally. However, he still shows he is most comfortable with familiar family and friends. He would automatically flash a smile at anyone who approached us but lately he is more inquisitive and takes in his surroundings first. But that mega watt smile is right around the corner. Added to his smile as of July 11th is his first tooth! He's been a trooper as two of them push their way up, but as the first cut its way through he woke up screaming in the night. Once it popped through he slept content the rest of the night. There is one more ready to come through in the next day or two and then hopefully he gets a break after that!

Summer has been a month of firsts for Sy, he's had his first solid food, began siting up on his own, along with his first tooth. 

We don't think it will be long before Sy's crawling around. He's rolling all over and is just starting to army crawl to toys just out of reach, particularly his sisters toys that she has moved purposefully out of his reach.

Zoey and Sy are really starting to interact.

He looooves his big sister and she loves him (as long as he leaves her toys alone).

Zoey went for a play date with her Auntie and as we drove away after dropping her off he whimpered and stared at her empty carseat the whole way home. Any time she looks at him he has a special grin just for her. If he's sad Zoey makes funny faces for him and 9 times out of 10 it cheers him up.

I love that they have a special relationship already. I know for a fact they will drive each other bonkers but our prayer for them is that they will have a relationship of love, respect, and a shared appreciation of their crazy parents. I'm grateful that they will always have each other. I may be biased but I think they both lucked out with the siblings they have.

My Love Letter...

I once told Henry that I planned to tuck a letter away in a specific place for him to find in case something ever happened to me. I know, strange, but this is sometimes how my mind works. The worst part is, that I told him this years ago and currently there is still no letter hidden away. We were talking about this on the way back from Calgary last weekend and I confessed to him that as comfortable and adept I feel with words, there seems to be no way for me to contain all the best parts of our life as a couple and with our babies in one letter. It seems I've tried for many years however, we have a shoebox overflowing with letters from while we were dating, notes tucked into lunches, and cards from birthdays and anniversaries. I try to regularly leave notes for him around the house and we have a, 'I Love You Because...' board in our room that I try to change every other day or so (I haven't done so well lately babe, sorry about that!). Our conclusion at the end of the conversation was that right now maybe there isn't that one specific note that contains all the sentiments and love between us because that seems impossible. Instead we have that shoe box, emails, texts, and photos from 7 plus years together that do a much better job expressing it all. 

The same goes for Zoey and Sy, I may not have one single note right now for them that tells them how much I love them. There are a couple cards that I have stored away for them from special occasions but mostly I have this blog. This blog I started to keep track of some milestones during my pregnancy with Zoey and keep geographically distant family in the loop. It's turned into more than that. I hope that it can be helpful to Zoey and Sy when they have their own babies and wonder what we did in certain situations or at what point they hit different milestones. It may serve as a larger Baby Book for them with greater detail and images than they will find in the store bought form. 

I have realized that this blog serves an even bigger purpose now, it's my love letter to them. It hopefully tells them a bit more about me and who I am/was at these stages in their lives. Most importantly I hope it shows them that even in the stressful, sleep deprived, challenging moments that come with parenthood, they were unconditionally, completely, crazy loved. I would love for each of them to see a Mom who savours the best she can every moment, stage, and cuddle. A Mom who sometimes felt like she had no clue what she was doing but kept trying because they are so worth it. A Mom who is so proud of them every step of the way and who's heart swells when they grow and meet new challenges, even if it doesn't go the way they hope or plan. And parents who love God, each other, and them intensely and will fight ferociously to protect the integrity and unity of our family. 

There are so many ways to create a 'Love Letter' for the ones you love, we all have our methods and formats. My Mom kept journals for my sister and I and regularly left notes as well. I still have the handwritten book of verses she made for me when I graduated High School. Henry doesn't always write notes but instead we have our Coffee Dates here and there and quality time to talk and reconnect, an equal form of a 'Love Letter' to me. Finding out that someone has been praying for you because they love you or because they felt they should also shows love. We all have our own ways. 

I hope that for Zoey and Sy, that they can look back at this collection of memories, notes, pictures, and moments and be always be reminded of my deep love and commitment to them....but I pray they know that anyways and always :) 

Running...

Have you ever seen a 3 year old run? How often do you get to see someone run with such pure joy? A lot of us run for various reason and even because we love it but generally it's mixed with a purpose for fitness, health, mental sanity. These are all great reasons to run, and they are my own, but when I watch Zoey run it's like nothing else I've seen before. She puts her whole body into it and pumps her little legs and arms until she has nothing left and then 20 seconds later is ready to do it again. She loves to make a game out of it and squeals and laughs while racing beside us. There is something about that slightly unsteady gait of a three year old, my three year old, that makes me heart swell and usually helps me forget how tired I am.

When I'm running inside on my treadmill I enjoy the ability to do something active for myself, to stay healthy, and get the pesky remaining pregnancy pounds off. Lately, as I've prepped to start my run I've felt overwhelmed and exhausted even before I start. This is likely a symptom a lack of consistent sleep (although it could be worse so I won't complain) and keeping busy with the kiddos during the day. But the other day as I watched Zoey run in the park and squeal and giggle with joy I started to reflect on my attitude. I've been running as a practice in discipline to keep myself healthy and to continue to 'recover' post pregnancy. While these are good goals I've set for myself, I think there is more room to run with joy. 

We have felt swamped with activities and various commitments lately. Along with them Henry has been working long hours with the busy season at the shop. Along with a few long nights for Sy, we have felt a little like we are asleep on our feet. However, for the most part the activities are a part of are all things we desire to do and enjoy being a part of. Henry has been working incredibly hard, but he works for an employer who's family we consider a part of our own. And in return they treat us the same. In the midst of long sleepless nights with Sy he still reaches up with his little arms around my neck and snuggles in for comfort. Even on the rare occasion when Zoey wakes in the night she just needs a hug and kiss to assure her of her security. It can and is exhausting in the night waking every hour but when I can I try and savour the extra time and snuggles with my sweet babies. Coffee helps too. 

It's obviously easier said than done some days but I am trying to commit to living my blessed life with more of the joy that my Zoey has when she runs.