Dear Ebony...

If you don't know my cousin Ebony, I am sorry to say you are missing out. She is fabulous, straight up fabulous.We actually are not first cousins, we tried once to figure out what 'number' cousins we are but decided it really didn't matter since we love each other so much, who cares how distantly we are related. I have had the privilege of sharing some truly precious moments and stages with her, we were engaged in the same year and married only a few months apart. While she was pregnant with her first child, she talked me down more times than I care to admit when I thought I was desperate to have a baby right away. Ebony was the one who told me to stop being a dingbat and go take a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with Zoey and she squealed on the phone with me when I asked how she felt about another cousin. I was equally thrilled when she told me she was having another baby as well, and it  always seemed appropriate that we would be able to share the experience of pregnancy and raising our girls at the same time. She has always been an incredible source of inspiration and advice. Ebony has been a willing sounding board during my parents divorce, always sympathetic and most importantly ready to keep me looking to God for ultimate comfort and wisdom. Her faith is truly one of the greatest things about her and it is contagious.

I had just put Zoey to bed and was waiting for her to fall asleep when I got the email that told us that the cancer she had fought so hard, the cancer she had beat, was back and aggressively so. My heart shattered and I instantly knew why God had been placing her so firmly on my heart for the last week. Over the last few months since that moment, she has shown me and countless others, what true strength and faith looks like. We managed a long overdue visit this summer, and had the chance to meet each others children. Over the past few years it seems that someone was always either expecting or had  children opposed to traveling making it hard to see each other in person. It was a quick but fantastic visit, the kids were fast friends and we laughed and talked late into the evening and again through the morning. We managed another visit not long after that when we went to the city to meet my nephew. On our way home we stopped for a visit and lunch at their home and we were leveled when she told us the news that the cancer was even worse than we thought. The doctors had told them she had 2-3 months. The tears flowed while we talked, I told her I was sorry I was crying and they chuckled and told me it was okay they had just finished themselves. I felt totally incapable of knowing what to do, say, or feel but Ebony, as always, put me at ease. She told me she was okay, she was okay because she is eager to see heaven and be with God. She told me she knows it will be okay because the ones she loves will join her there. That faith has been a balm to my heart these last few months. That kind of faith comes only from an unshakeable, unwavering love, faith, and belief in our God, Father, and Saviour. I know that in the midst of all this horrible, it shines to everyone she interacts with. Faith doesn't mean there are no tears, sadness, or even fear but it means those things are temporary because God is forever.

I told Ebony during that visit, that the impact she's had on me and others is immense and I was surprised that she seemed unconvinced. I'm not sure if she knows it now, but I know it myself even more. She has impacted people she has not met, people who have heard her story and recognized her strength and faith. I know the people that know her and love her do so because she loved them first with compassion and joy. Her family, her husband and children are a testament to who she is. Her choice in a husband shows a lot of her qualities, they are an incredible match and share a deep love for one another and commitment. They share the same sense of humour and love of God. He has been by her side though this journey and Henry and I feel honoured to call him family as well as a friend. Her children are examples of her and her husbands faith and commitment to God. They are both filled with energy and incredible personalities. When they met Zoey for the first time they were eager to make a new friend and were kind and warm. I was so very touched at their desire to make my shy little girl feel at ease. They are just flat out, amazing children.

Laughter is never far away in Ebony's family, even after hearing such devastating news, we laughed, a lot. It may be a method of coping, but I think it can be a strength. It can be far more challenging for a person to be able to smile in the face of fear. And Eb has one incredible smile. Her smile makes people feel warm and accepted. It's a strange thing to say perhaps, but in early moments of our friendship anytime I was able to share laughter with her, I felt like I belonged. As I have discussed in a previous post, feelings of acceptance and belonging are not something I have come by easily. I remember a night in particular, while staying with her while at a conference, we stayed up way to late talking. By the end of the conversation, we felt we had a connection and had bonded as family and as friends.

Ebony is a beautiful person inside and out and my heart hurts and grieves for what she has endured. But, my spirit is lightened when I witness her faith and her love and reliance on God. I've been struggling with what to say and wanting to be helpful in someway, but that's challenging at times. This morning I was able to text her briefly and when I confessed my struggles to her she said, 'You're doing fine! Just be yourself' and once again I have taken her advice and decided what I could do was write. I seem to be a little better with words when I can write them out with a little more reflection. It makes it a little easier for me to say how much I admire and love her. It helps me to say that I know God is shining through Ebony and her family in the midst of such grief and pain. It makes me bolder to ask that you pray for her and her family, pray for healing and comfort, pray that God would continue to hold each of them close to Him as He has so far, and pray that Ebony will be able to see all the incredible good she has done and continues to do.

So...Dear Ebony,

I love you.

Always.

Love, your Cousin Ashley 

An Expression Of Gratitude...

Sy is 11 months old now and inevitably I find myself reflecting on his birth and all that was involved. I've tried for 11 months to find a way to express my immeasurable gratitude to the EMS and Firefighters who showed up so swiftly to deliver our precious boy. Time has buffered my memory of the events that led to Sy's birth but there are a few things that I remember vividly. 

I remember the moment I realized he was coming and that we no longer had the time to get to the hospital. While I recall a significant measure of calm, there was absolutely a fear of what was happening. As we waited, I told Henry I was afraid, the birth of our child was not supposed to happen like this. However in the midst of the fear of the unknown, I did know that EMS was incredibly close and they would be able to be at our home in a matter of minutes. 

I pass by the station nearly every time

I leave our house, and everytime I look at the building with a swell of gratitude. Each time I see an ambulance or fire truck I feel appreciation. They arrived so quickly once we called and were unbelievably calm. I know God had his hand over the situation when he placed the specific members on call that night. There was an incredible level of experience, professionalism, and compassion brought by each individual. Sylas's birth was uncomplicated and he was healthy, even if it was unexpected. After his arrival everyone was joyful, laughing, and happy. While I was exhausted they talked happily to me and truly listened to my requests. They gave me the time I needed to catch my breath and actually hold my new baby boy, something I wasn't able to experience right away after Zoey was born. Second deliveries seem to be somewhat easier for most women, but the differences between Zoey's delivery and Sy's are vastly different in more ways than the location. I felt better and oddly enough, in greater control. I know there are a lot of potential reasons for this, but one of the most significant being the care we received.

We are well aware of the blessing of a healthy delivery given the circumstances. An unprepared unexpected home birth could have ended with a far unhappier result, but I know that the team of emergency responders were equipped to handle the situation. 

I was told a little while after Sy's birth that I should get the hospital to pay the ambulance charges since the events occurred after I was sent home. However  I felt glad to pay such a small price for a service I deeply appreciated. My mom brought a gift to the station a few months later and we were both surprised at the irregularlity with which they receive thank you's. They were actually suspicious at first upon hearing we hoped to contact the chief, apparently it happens more often for complaints. So in the month to come I am hoping to find a way to express our immense gratitude for their swift response and the incredible care they gave each of us. I suppose until then, this will have to do.

Princess Mommy...

A few weeks ago Zoey and I were playing with her castle. My hair was grubby and up in a messy top knot, I hadn't managed a shower in a day or two due to a teething baby, and as I sat on the floor with my daughter I internally sighed at the extra bumps and inches that remain post pregnancy. And in the midst of that moment of self critism Zoey broke through and placed a crown on my head and said with the deep sincerity of a 3 year old, 'Here Mommy you need a crown since you are a beautiful princess'. It melted my heart to hear and then I realized, 'Good heavens she actually believes that...with all her heart'.

In that moment I had to ask myself, what is my responsibility in regards to my own self esteem, my own confidence, and how it impacts my children. 

Self esteem has been a tricky issue for myself through out my years. If I wasn't pinching and poking the parts of me I wish were smaller, smoother, or flatter I was second guessing my place in friendships, feeling unsure of what others saw in me. Far to often after spending time with others I was left critiquing myself and our interactions. 'Why would anyone want to genuinely want to spend time talking to such an odd duck like me?'. When Henry and I were dating I ended up confessing a feeling of inadequacy, a sense of a geeky kid hanging around the 'cool kids'. It is obvious to anyone who knows Henry, that he quickly dispelled those fears and made it his mission to make sure I had no reason to feel that way. After that moment and many moments since I have had to accept the truth of these emotions. These feelings are deeply unfair to my friends and family. It's not so much about how I feel but rather the fact that I am essentially calling my loved ones liars in my heart. With these feelings of premature rejection, I question the sincerity of the acceptance and affection.

 

I also had to work on changing my attitude in my view of my appearance. This one is a continual and challenging issue for me, but I had to accept that when my husband who loves me says I'm beautiful I need to believe him. If I look at him and say, 'No..you're wrong, I'm not' I am being incredibly disrespectful to him and again calling him a liar. There are absolutely moments where most of us feel more beautiful than in other moments, but I am choosing more and more to believe that those who love me see the good in me. The amazing thing about being surrounded by family and friends who love you is sometimes they can see the beauty for you, on the days when it's harder. If I had decided in that precious moment, when Zoey spoke such kind and honest words to me, to turn to her and say 'No Zoey, Mommy is not beautiful right now. Can't you see these bumps and marks? I haven't showered today and I haven't lost those last few pounds I want. So mommy is not a beautiful princess right now.' That would be quite the message to send my baby girl. Can you imagine?

The long and short of it is self esteem and feelings of self worth are complicated deep rooted issues. However, I am choosing to honor those around me who truly love me, and above all, honor my Heavenly Father who created me. I believe He is grieved by the unnecessary critism I heap upon myself. So I urge each person reading this to try everyday to see yourself through God's eyes and with the innocent truth of a child. I'm in it with you and I am rooting for you. And my sweet children, thank you for your unconditional love and affection. We pray that you always feel the same from your Daddy and I. 

Zoey Goes To Preschool...

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Zoey. Her parents loved her to the moon and back and decided that she was so perfect as she was that she should never grow up. Why should she grow up they thought, since there is no  possible way for her to become any more perfect. And so Zoey's parents tried their hardest to keep her from growing up. They kept her in the same clothes, called her baby girl, and snuggled her close to try and keep her little. But despite their efforts Zoey started to grow up. They noticed she was taller and looked more grown up, then they noticed she started to be able to do more things, she was playing more, talking more, and learning more everyday! As Zoey's parents saw these changes they were surprised that their perfect baby girl continued to be perfect as she grew and most amazingly, she was even more fantastic with each new day! With this knowledge and appreciation they sent their baby girl to preschool so she could continue to learn and grow. Zoey made friends, learned a new routine, and as they suspected, became even more incredible.

Zoey had her first day of preschool this week! We've been so excited for her to start since she mastered potty training! 

Our little girl has had an incredible summer. She has blossomed with confidence and an eagerness to interact with other kids (or friends as she says). If you asked me how the first day would go a year ago I wouldn't have known. I would have assumed it would have been filled with tears from both of us. But I dropped her off, she kissed me good bye and went to play. She did apparently have some tears in response to transition times but we expected that may happen. Preschool is one of the first real structured events she is trying and hasn't had to switch from activities terribly often until she wants too. However, she has a fantastic teacher and the routine is the same everyday, combined I am very confident she will adjust quickly. 

I think Sy had the toughest time with his big sisters first day. When he realized we were walking away from her classroom he started looking back at the room and wailing. He stared at her empty carseat until we got home and whenwe picked her up his little arms and legs flapped vigorously. They have such a loving and sweet relationship.

Today is day two and Zoey is excited to go back. It's an adjustment for me to mentally wrap my head around having a regular schedule during the week. 

Working from home has meant I

am fairly used to getting to complete most tasks from my home base. It's so exciting though and we are just thrilled that she is enjoying trying new things. We are so proud of little Zoey and grateful for great support for us.

What's In A Name...

When are you due? Do you know the gender? Do you have any names picked out?

These three questions are I would say top the list of questions asked of every pregnant lady I know. I know I heard them often during my pregnancies and I definitely have asked them myself. I suppose it's a mix of genuine curiosity while not being super personal questions which makes them safe. I've been thinking a lot about names lately and how we chose them for our children. We have a number of close friends/family expecting right now or who have recently had babies and names come up a fair bit. It's interesting to talk to others to find out how they picked names for their children, and what they found important. 

For both pregnancies we kept our name choices to ourselves. It's hard to say why exactly, but I suppose it was fun to keep something just between us. We knew Zoey was a girl so perhaps it was nice to also have that surprise left for others. There was also always the chance we might change our minds so not telling others meant not fielding the question, "Wait I thought her name was..."

I always find it fascinating to discuss with others what was important in choosing a name for some it's the sound of it, the meaning, originality, etc.

Zoey means Life in Greek and that resonated with us. We felt that was a fitting and powerful meaning to give her. A friend shared something that has stuck with me, she said that giving a blessing as a name means everyone who speaks their name is automatically speaking blessing into their life. The meaning of Zoey's name solidified the choice for us, but admittedly initially choosing her name was less profound. I've always been a fan of the actress Zooey Deschanel and what appears to be a spunky and warm indivual. Even though we changed the spelling (I still really do like the double 'o') to us it captures a spirited little girl with a huge heart and I think it will carry on for her as an adult. So far she has owned her name and made it her own.

Sy or Sylas we had picked since we were first married. Initially we wanted his name to be just Sy. We knew someone who's name as far as we knew was just Sy and we both thought it was original and he was a really easy going and confident guy, some of the characteristics we hoped our son would have. As we matured further in our faith we liked the idea of a Biblical name for him as well so we decided to expand the name to Sylas (Silas). Silas in the Bible showed great faith and trust in God and we pray daily that both our children can live their lives like that. Even though Sylas means something along the lines of Wood Worker we think the Biblical meaning is strong and we think he already suits his full name and nickname very well. He comes across with a bold personality and people comment regularly on his smile and cheerful disposition. 

Middle names for Henry and I, was a place to add names with strong meaning and use names that perhaps we wouldn't have used as a first name. Zoey's middle name is Faith and Sy's is Josiah. It's tricky to find names with meaning that also work well together with the first and last name. Faith we felt was something we want for Zoey, we've had to have faith from the very beginning as we started our journey into parenthood. Our faith in God the only thing that keeps us a float and we wanted Zoey to have a reminder of that. Josiah was a king during Biblical times and we really liked the name itself but also we loved a name that carried a history of faithfulness as well. Since he became king at the age of eight, only faith and full reliance on God would allow for success. 

There was a lot that went into the names we chose for our children. It's a big job choosing a name your child will grow up with and the goals for everyone are different and can change once you meet your child. But these are a few of our reasons we chose your names Zoey and Sylas, we hope they bless you.

Potty Training Continued...

About 20 years ago, or what feels abut that long ago, I posted about how we were venturing into potty training. Oh how optimistic and naive I was. I knew that potty training wasn't easy, I have more than enough friends who have struggled with it and worked with enough children in Daycare and Early Learning settings to know that it can often be a long drawn out process. But I think like many of us, I was tempted to hope that we would take a different route, one where suddenly she would wake up and be completely potty trained and I would smile proudly and we would carry on happily. That did not end up being the case. Being pregnant with Sy when we started the process I was hoping to have it all wrapped up long before he was born, the idea of needing to assist her and constantly question her need to go on the potty while caring for a newborn had very little appeal. So we kept at it, until one day she whimpered and said, "Mommy I can't do it." I questioned her a little bit and found that she seemed to have become overwhelmed by the whole process. So we took a break, stuck with the Pull-Ups and tried to keep her familiar with the idea of it at least, waiting for signs she was ready to try again. Sy was born and she was slowly starting to show a little interest again but as I feared I found it challenging to keep up with it during the 24 hour nursing stage. But we tried to stick with it, finding things that we could entice her with as rewards. We had been keeping at it mostly because we thought it was important to move past this stage until we realized that we had a different goal, she needed to be potty trained in order to attend the Preschool we had her registered for. So that has weighed on mind heavily this summer. However, Henry and I remained confident that like all other milestones with Zoey, she would likely just suddenly get it, we were just hoping it would happen in time for Preschool.

Jumping to this month, I will admit to starting to feel a bit discouraged and overwhelmed. I allowed myself to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong? Was she actually going to miss out on the start of Preschool because I wasn't doing this right? Good heavens was Zoey going to be sort of shy AND not potty trained? (I'm obviously kidding with the last one :) In hindsight, she may have picked up on my stress as she had a few rough days and meltdowns, which can be typical three year old behaviour but was quite unusual for her. Finally I talked to Henry about it and we agreed and admitted that we had been praying very little about it. I wondered why I had fooled myself into thinking that God wouldn't care about this issue? Or perhaps in my infinite lack of wisdom, I thought I could handle it. We agreed to start praying for wisdom for us and even that it would just work like most things had for Zoey. I also made a choice to have more confidence in Zoey herself. We started to see more progress over the course of a week or two but still not quite the consistency we needed to be able to say she was fully potty trained. Finally this week I decided reach out to our amazing Small Group community and asked for prayer on this issue. Literally the next day we had a near 180 change. Bailey was over and was able to get her to wear undies which up until that point, she had declared to be yucky. Once the undies were on she has been consistently asking to go on the potty and kept them dry for the last two days. We even went to the library and Daddy's soccer game without any accidents.

Anyone that has been involved in potty training knows that this is no small thing, it is a huge victory, and for me personally an exercise in faith. I have been reminded that my God cares about all things in my life, big and small. He has has constantly shown Himself to be unfailingly faithful to me, and I must do a much better job at doing the same in return. Perhaps this whole process has taken longer than I would ever have hoped or initially wanted, and I definitely felt discouraged at different points, but I feel that this success is that much sweeter right now because of the entire process. I have very few answers as to how God works, and this may seem like a very clichéd idea but I know right now, in this experience I am so grateful for prayer and a God who cares about my children and our lives in every area.

I know this process isn't necessarily over yet, we'll likely have some challenges ahead yet, but I'm so excited about how far we've come and I'm so proud of my sweet Zoey.

Catching Up With Sy...

I've failed at keeping up with updates on our life in general, nevermind specific updates on Sy. If I look back I was fairly consistent with monthly updates for Zoey. I suppose that's second child

Syndrome, but in my defence both of my children's baby books are up to date. So there is that at the very least. 

What's new and exciting for Sylas Josiah? Well he is six months old already!! It's cliqued to say, but mercy what happened, it's only a couple weeks ago that I was snuggling my brand new baby in the back of an ambulance. The fears I had before he was born about how to manage two children, logically and emotionally seem like distant memories. Life before him seems to never have existed, he fits so perfectly into our lives and family. He's so different from his sister, yet they are showing some strong similarities. Sy has been praised for his lack of shyness (another post for another day) which is true, he is more comfortable around others than Zoey was or is generally. However, he still shows he is most comfortable with familiar family and friends. He would automatically flash a smile at anyone who approached us but lately he is more inquisitive and takes in his surroundings first. But that mega watt smile is right around the corner. Added to his smile as of July 11th is his first tooth! He's been a trooper as two of them push their way up, but as the first cut its way through he woke up screaming in the night. Once it popped through he slept content the rest of the night. There is one more ready to come through in the next day or two and then hopefully he gets a break after that!

Summer has been a month of firsts for Sy, he's had his first solid food, began siting up on his own, along with his first tooth. 

We don't think it will be long before Sy's crawling around. He's rolling all over and is just starting to army crawl to toys just out of reach, particularly his sisters toys that she has moved purposefully out of his reach.

Zoey and Sy are really starting to interact.

He looooves his big sister and she loves him (as long as he leaves her toys alone).

Zoey went for a play date with her Auntie and as we drove away after dropping her off he whimpered and stared at her empty carseat the whole way home. Any time she looks at him he has a special grin just for her. If he's sad Zoey makes funny faces for him and 9 times out of 10 it cheers him up.

I love that they have a special relationship already. I know for a fact they will drive each other bonkers but our prayer for them is that they will have a relationship of love, respect, and a shared appreciation of their crazy parents. I'm grateful that they will always have each other. I may be biased but I think they both lucked out with the siblings they have.