Dear Ebony...

If you don't know my cousin Ebony, I am sorry to say you are missing out. She is fabulous, straight up fabulous.We actually are not first cousins, we tried once to figure out what 'number' cousins we are but decided it really didn't matter since we love each other so much, who cares how distantly we are related. I have had the privilege of sharing some truly precious moments and stages with her, we were engaged in the same year and married only a few months apart. While she was pregnant with her first child, she talked me down more times than I care to admit when I thought I was desperate to have a baby right away. Ebony was the one who told me to stop being a dingbat and go take a pregnancy test when I was pregnant with Zoey and she squealed on the phone with me when I asked how she felt about another cousin. I was equally thrilled when she told me she was having another baby as well, and it  always seemed appropriate that we would be able to share the experience of pregnancy and raising our girls at the same time. She has always been an incredible source of inspiration and advice. Ebony has been a willing sounding board during my parents divorce, always sympathetic and most importantly ready to keep me looking to God for ultimate comfort and wisdom. Her faith is truly one of the greatest things about her and it is contagious.

I had just put Zoey to bed and was waiting for her to fall asleep when I got the email that told us that the cancer she had fought so hard, the cancer she had beat, was back and aggressively so. My heart shattered and I instantly knew why God had been placing her so firmly on my heart for the last week. Over the last few months since that moment, she has shown me and countless others, what true strength and faith looks like. We managed a long overdue visit this summer, and had the chance to meet each others children. Over the past few years it seems that someone was always either expecting or had  children opposed to traveling making it hard to see each other in person. It was a quick but fantastic visit, the kids were fast friends and we laughed and talked late into the evening and again through the morning. We managed another visit not long after that when we went to the city to meet my nephew. On our way home we stopped for a visit and lunch at their home and we were leveled when she told us the news that the cancer was even worse than we thought. The doctors had told them she had 2-3 months. The tears flowed while we talked, I told her I was sorry I was crying and they chuckled and told me it was okay they had just finished themselves. I felt totally incapable of knowing what to do, say, or feel but Ebony, as always, put me at ease. She told me she was okay, she was okay because she is eager to see heaven and be with God. She told me she knows it will be okay because the ones she loves will join her there. That faith has been a balm to my heart these last few months. That kind of faith comes only from an unshakeable, unwavering love, faith, and belief in our God, Father, and Saviour. I know that in the midst of all this horrible, it shines to everyone she interacts with. Faith doesn't mean there are no tears, sadness, or even fear but it means those things are temporary because God is forever.

I told Ebony during that visit, that the impact she's had on me and others is immense and I was surprised that she seemed unconvinced. I'm not sure if she knows it now, but I know it myself even more. She has impacted people she has not met, people who have heard her story and recognized her strength and faith. I know the people that know her and love her do so because she loved them first with compassion and joy. Her family, her husband and children are a testament to who she is. Her choice in a husband shows a lot of her qualities, they are an incredible match and share a deep love for one another and commitment. They share the same sense of humour and love of God. He has been by her side though this journey and Henry and I feel honoured to call him family as well as a friend. Her children are examples of her and her husbands faith and commitment to God. They are both filled with energy and incredible personalities. When they met Zoey for the first time they were eager to make a new friend and were kind and warm. I was so very touched at their desire to make my shy little girl feel at ease. They are just flat out, amazing children.

Laughter is never far away in Ebony's family, even after hearing such devastating news, we laughed, a lot. It may be a method of coping, but I think it can be a strength. It can be far more challenging for a person to be able to smile in the face of fear. And Eb has one incredible smile. Her smile makes people feel warm and accepted. It's a strange thing to say perhaps, but in early moments of our friendship anytime I was able to share laughter with her, I felt like I belonged. As I have discussed in a previous post, feelings of acceptance and belonging are not something I have come by easily. I remember a night in particular, while staying with her while at a conference, we stayed up way to late talking. By the end of the conversation, we felt we had a connection and had bonded as family and as friends.

Ebony is a beautiful person inside and out and my heart hurts and grieves for what she has endured. But, my spirit is lightened when I witness her faith and her love and reliance on God. I've been struggling with what to say and wanting to be helpful in someway, but that's challenging at times. This morning I was able to text her briefly and when I confessed my struggles to her she said, 'You're doing fine! Just be yourself' and once again I have taken her advice and decided what I could do was write. I seem to be a little better with words when I can write them out with a little more reflection. It makes it a little easier for me to say how much I admire and love her. It helps me to say that I know God is shining through Ebony and her family in the midst of such grief and pain. It makes me bolder to ask that you pray for her and her family, pray for healing and comfort, pray that God would continue to hold each of them close to Him as He has so far, and pray that Ebony will be able to see all the incredible good she has done and continues to do.

So...Dear Ebony,

I love you.

Always.

Love, your Cousin Ashley 

38 Weeks....or 39...

37 Weeks

It depends on who you ask how far a long we are. My chart at the Dr's is going by the LMP, which apparently they almost always stick with regardless of Ultrasounds (I suppose for consistency). However, Henry and I, along with both Ultrasounds put the Due Date closer to the 23rd, which is right around the corner....um hello? Where did the last 9 months go?

I've been feeling pretty good lately, not much to complain about besides the typical aches and pains that come with the last days of pregnancy. I had another check up on Thursday and I was surprised when my Dr told me that all the cramping I've been having was actually doing something! My cervix is thinning which for me is something. I remember in the last month with Zoey, I was stuck at the same place for weeks. Since that appointment I've been having more contractions and a lot of pre labor symptoms. We're very curious what I'll find out at my Monday afternoon appointment. Who knows things could actually be happening. I suspect things could gear up a little after getting checked, but we are staying pretty relaxed either way. I did tell Henry yesterday though, that if Roo wants to stay put then the contractions can calm down anytime. It's a little exhausting after a few days.

Basement

I disappeared for a couple days as well last week after being hit with a ridiculous Cold/Flu. I hadn't felt that rough in a long time. My sweet husband stayed home from work on Friday to take care of Zoey for me since I could barely lift my head off the pillow. It took me nearly a solid week to fully recover. At it's worst point, I was so terrified that Roo was going to make his or her appearance while I was sick. You do whatever you have to, but the idea of going through labor and having a newborn in that state was intimidating. Thankfully, God heard my prayers and I was able to recoup and get the rest I needed. Just in time for Zoey to get a slightly lighter version of the Cold/Flu. It was an interesting week in the Duiker household.

While I was curled up in bed, Henry and his folks worked hard on our basement to finish it up, and I am thrilled to say that I am currently in our new basement with Henry and Zoey and loving it. Yesterday was the first day we were able to spend some family time in the new space together. It's taken up so much time and dedication and we are so incredibly thankful for those who made it possible.

I am unsure as to how life will be after Baby Roo arrives but isn't that always the way it goes. Sweet Zoey seems to senses something big is changing and her behaviour has reflected that unease. We know however, that with a great deal of patience from and towards each of us we will work through any challenges that will inevitably come our way. Henry and I are so excited for what is to come and can not wait to meet this new little person and learn about his or her personality. We look at Zoey and are amazed at who she is and are continuously falling more and more in love with her. Who wouldn't want to do that again! So we wait patiently and continue to pray that God will give us all we need to raise our 2 children.

36 Weeks and Prepping...

The end is in sight for this pregnancy and I'm faced with some mixed emotions. With the pain and discomfort that comes with this stage I'm excited to be winding down, and obviously, I am getting more and more butterflies about finally holding our precious Roo in our arms and kissing his or her sweet head. I get full blown weepy every time I see some sappy newborn moment on TV or really anywhere, but I remember feeling that way before Zoey was born too. At the same time, I'm fully aware that having Roo means a lot less sleep and the discomfort does not disappear immediately after baby is born. Between sore muscles, a bruised hoo ha, and nursing, there is more than enough discomfort to keep me hobbling for another week or two. At least I'm aware of it this time and I feel more mentally prepared. Regardless, it's going to be amazing.

It's been funny this time trying to figure out when Roo may arrive, with the visits the hospital and my Doctor asking me to finish work early, there is the sense of a potential early arrival. At the same time, Zoey was two weeks late and I fully expect that is a strong possibility this time as well. These pregnancy's have been quite different so it's hard to get a sense of what to expect. I feel like we are watching a Sand Timer and we can only see one half. We know that time is winding down as Full Term is already next week, but how much time is left? So our goal is to do our best to make sure we are ready to go as soon as possible and enjoy the end of this stage in our life with as much peace and enthusiasm as we can. Henry's incredible parents have been working non stop to help us finish the basement and there is so much amazing progress I cannot wait to share the finished product. The entertainment center is gorgeous, the flooring is perfect, and the paint colours and trim all all up. We hope to have some things moved down there this week so we can get Zoey's room set up and have the crib up and ready to go. All this necessary work and with the Christmas season in full swing we are trying our best to find the time to be together as a family. We counted weekends before our Due Date and were in shock! There are so many things we want to do together but really as long as we get moments where we can sit and talk, go for coffee a couple more times, and have days focused on Zoey it will all be fine. New baby or not, it always seems we are scrambling to fit everything into the day, week, or month and it's typically impossible. As long as you have the priorities straight, the less important things will fall to the side and Faith, Family, and Friends will win out.

Lots of Dr appointments so we have fun while we're there!

Finally, an update Zoey's sleeping progress. After a couple incredibly challenging nights and naps, I had a revelation. I was getting a little frustrated and assumed that my toddler was choosing not to go to sleep in order to be defiant and difficult. While in some cases it absolutely is a power struggle I looked at my daughter and realized in this situation, that was not what was happening. She was stressed and anxious. We had taken away the security blanket per say of falling asleep with us holding her hand away and said, "Now go to sleep or else". I thought about how to be a bit softer and understanding about that transition and since then things have gone really well. She needed to be reminded and assured that she was not alone and that Mommy or Daddy are right there, for the first while we standing by the door where she can see us and slowly we start to move a little farther, still popping in to watch her depending on how she's handling it. We read to her, tuck her in, pray with her, and kiss her head and as we get up she asks, "Door? Right here?" and we remind her that yes, we are right here. Isn't that really what we are always looking for? I know that in moments of fear and anxiety, my prayers are asking God to remind me that He's right here, and Henry and I are praying fervently that Zoey and Roo learn to lean on and feel that comfort always from our God who loves them even more than we ever could (which always seems surreal).

Sometimes there are even suckers!

I love that Zoey finds so much comfort with us, it assures me that we are doing something right for her. Yesterday she was having a rare moment with her nap time. She was completely catatonic about having to go to sleep and had worked herself up into a high level of anxiety. After nearly an hour of working with her Henry texted from work. I asked if he would mind Facetiming so he could talk to her (technology is pretty cool). So he called and she saw her Daddy and he talked to her for a few minutes. He asked her if she was okay and through hiccuped breathing she said, "Ya". He told her when he got home they would play and spend time time together and she seemed to be happy about that. Meanwhile, behind the phone, I was trying to keep myself together. Pregnancy hormones and really the shear preciousness of the moment was almost too much for me. After their chat Zoey asked for lunch and the chance for nap time was over so I called it and we had some peanut butter toast. She had a great rest of her day and went to sleep like a champ at bed time.

So that's really what's been going on in our house lately. We did get some amazing Family Pictures done by a wonderful friend and crazy talented photographer in Lethbridge. I would HIGHLY recommend Richelle Tucker at Limetree Photography (CLICK HERE) for any event or family photos you may be looking to have done. We only wish we had known her when we were married! I will share some more of the photos from our recent session once I have them all. Thanks again Richelle!

Ever Getting It Right...

Does anyone ever feel like they have no idea what they are doing in life and parenting? Anyone feel like you are royally screwing up your children? Good heavens I sure do! I'm hoping that over time that lessens as we see our children become self sustaining adults who hopefully go on to make their own good decisions.

I had a moment yesterday where I was plagued with doubts of my parenting ability. I am assuming it was brought on by a semi long afternoon of meltdowns and a need to be held every moment. In the light of a new day, even with it own challenges already, I see that while we had some 'moments' we had a great day together. We cleaned up, put away laundry together, baked snack and made some lasagna, listened to Adventures in Odyssey, she had a bath and so did the puppy. We wrapped the day at our Community Group which is always such a blessing. Zoey came with us this time and got to play with her friend who lives there. He's nearly twice her age but they do so well together it is so amazing for me to see. Since Zoey is a little shy, his personality helps direct her into an engaged playtime. So as we sat with our group wrapping our final chat about The Holy Spirit (Forgotten God by Francis Chan...read it!) Henry and I could see our quiet little girl bouncing and giggling with her friend.

It's in those moment God reminds me that despite my failings, our desire to raise Zoey and Roo in a God filled and directed household will be honored. It's shocking to think that truly, God loves our children even more than we possibly could and wants the best for them. If I want proof, really all I have to do is spend sometime just watching her play. She is beautiful, healthy, and so incredibly loving. And two.....sometimes I forget the impact that being two has on behavior and needs and it all come back into focus.

So I am trying to give us all a break and prayerfully remind myself that if I follow God in my parenting as well, Zoey will be be blessed in her future and growth. 

A Week of Waiting

We are going to get our Ultrasound results on Friday morning. *sigh* so much of pregnancy is waiting! :) I know I am learning a lot from this experience....even just in that one area.

This time it is being able to wait to hear the results. The tech (for good reasons) was not allowed to say one word to us about what she was seeing. I understand completely but when all you want to hear is, congrats your baby looks completely healthy and it's a .... (oh ya we still back and forth on this one :) Henry and I were talking last night about our fears in regards to being parents, and very much wanting our child to be healthy. We are praying a lot about this and even more so, we are praying for peace, to be able to leave it all in God's hands, to know that whatever happens he is in control of the situation. I am continually comforted by the knowledge that as much as we love this child already, God loves them so much more. So, this means that no matter the results on Friday morning we are excited and looking forward to meeting this little one and sharing in their life.

I should mention that we have no reason to believe anything is wrong. We are just like any other new parents who want to know that everything is okay in there ;)

On to another subject related to Friday, we are still undecided in regards to finding out gender! I bet everyone is just dying for us to officially decide already! :) We are thinking about special ways to tell family if we do find out, which is really fun to imagine. We were laughing at the idea of doing the cake thing, where the color of the cake inside told you the gender, and doing that even if we didn't find out and having like a vanilla cake inside.....so mean!

Well we hit Six Months this week! Where has the time gone! I'll be sure to post something to commemorate that milestone, as well as let everyone know how the appointment goes as soon as I can.