My Love Letter...

I once told Henry that I planned to tuck a letter away in a specific place for him to find in case something ever happened to me. I know, strange, but this is sometimes how my mind works. The worst part is, that I told him this years ago and currently there is still no letter hidden away. We were talking about this on the way back from Calgary last weekend and I confessed to him that as comfortable and adept I feel with words, there seems to be no way for me to contain all the best parts of our life as a couple and with our babies in one letter. It seems I've tried for many years however, we have a shoebox overflowing with letters from while we were dating, notes tucked into lunches, and cards from birthdays and anniversaries. I try to regularly leave notes for him around the house and we have a, 'I Love You Because...' board in our room that I try to change every other day or so (I haven't done so well lately babe, sorry about that!). Our conclusion at the end of the conversation was that right now maybe there isn't that one specific note that contains all the sentiments and love between us because that seems impossible. Instead we have that shoe box, emails, texts, and photos from 7 plus years together that do a much better job expressing it all. 

The same goes for Zoey and Sy, I may not have one single note right now for them that tells them how much I love them. There are a couple cards that I have stored away for them from special occasions but mostly I have this blog. This blog I started to keep track of some milestones during my pregnancy with Zoey and keep geographically distant family in the loop. It's turned into more than that. I hope that it can be helpful to Zoey and Sy when they have their own babies and wonder what we did in certain situations or at what point they hit different milestones. It may serve as a larger Baby Book for them with greater detail and images than they will find in the store bought form. 

I have realized that this blog serves an even bigger purpose now, it's my love letter to them. It hopefully tells them a bit more about me and who I am/was at these stages in their lives. Most importantly I hope it shows them that even in the stressful, sleep deprived, challenging moments that come with parenthood, they were unconditionally, completely, crazy loved. I would love for each of them to see a Mom who savours the best she can every moment, stage, and cuddle. A Mom who sometimes felt like she had no clue what she was doing but kept trying because they are so worth it. A Mom who is so proud of them every step of the way and who's heart swells when they grow and meet new challenges, even if it doesn't go the way they hope or plan. And parents who love God, each other, and them intensely and will fight ferociously to protect the integrity and unity of our family. 

There are so many ways to create a 'Love Letter' for the ones you love, we all have our methods and formats. My Mom kept journals for my sister and I and regularly left notes as well. I still have the handwritten book of verses she made for me when I graduated High School. Henry doesn't always write notes but instead we have our Coffee Dates here and there and quality time to talk and reconnect, an equal form of a 'Love Letter' to me. Finding out that someone has been praying for you because they love you or because they felt they should also shows love. We all have our own ways. 

I hope that for Zoey and Sy, that they can look back at this collection of memories, notes, pictures, and moments and be always be reminded of my deep love and commitment to them....but I pray they know that anyways and always :) 

Running...

Have you ever seen a 3 year old run? How often do you get to see someone run with such pure joy? A lot of us run for various reason and even because we love it but generally it's mixed with a purpose for fitness, health, mental sanity. These are all great reasons to run, and they are my own, but when I watch Zoey run it's like nothing else I've seen before. She puts her whole body into it and pumps her little legs and arms until she has nothing left and then 20 seconds later is ready to do it again. She loves to make a game out of it and squeals and laughs while racing beside us. There is something about that slightly unsteady gait of a three year old, my three year old, that makes me heart swell and usually helps me forget how tired I am.

When I'm running inside on my treadmill I enjoy the ability to do something active for myself, to stay healthy, and get the pesky remaining pregnancy pounds off. Lately, as I've prepped to start my run I've felt overwhelmed and exhausted even before I start. This is likely a symptom a lack of consistent sleep (although it could be worse so I won't complain) and keeping busy with the kiddos during the day. But the other day as I watched Zoey run in the park and squeal and giggle with joy I started to reflect on my attitude. I've been running as a practice in discipline to keep myself healthy and to continue to 'recover' post pregnancy. While these are good goals I've set for myself, I think there is more room to run with joy. 

We have felt swamped with activities and various commitments lately. Along with them Henry has been working long hours with the busy season at the shop. Along with a few long nights for Sy, we have felt a little like we are asleep on our feet. However, for the most part the activities are a part of are all things we desire to do and enjoy being a part of. Henry has been working incredibly hard, but he works for an employer who's family we consider a part of our own. And in return they treat us the same. In the midst of long sleepless nights with Sy he still reaches up with his little arms around my neck and snuggles in for comfort. Even on the rare occasion when Zoey wakes in the night she just needs a hug and kiss to assure her of her security. It can and is exhausting in the night waking every hour but when I can I try and savour the extra time and snuggles with my sweet babies. Coffee helps too. 

It's obviously easier said than done some days but I am trying to commit to living my blessed life with more of the joy that my Zoey has when she runs.

Zoey's 3rd Birthday!

Zoey is 3! I'm not sure where the time has gone but she's 3 now. Having children seems to mean a constant feeling that this person has always been here and always been a part of your heart, while simultaneously feeling disbelief. She was just born and put into my arms at the hospital yesterday, how can she be 3!

But Zoey is indeed 3 now, she's a spunky, kind, smart, active, crazy, gentle, shy 3 year old. I'm not entirely sure how to fully describe her completely in words. I don't know enough adjectives to explain how my heart swells when I see her try something new or when she is brave.

It's hard to describe how sometimes I look at her and I can't believe how beautiful she is, even with hair in her eyes and sticky cheeks, she's stunning and I can't believe she is mine.

It's too hard to write down how funny we think she is, how we laugh at her jokes and 3 year old sense of humour. When she buckles over, holding her belly laughing saying, "That's so funny!" you can't help but join in her laughter.

I don't know how to say enough how proud we are of her everyday when we see her use manners or even the day she piped up suddenly and said,"Time for bed Mommy". When we see her love her little brother and glow with pride herself when she makes Sy smile.

I can't truly tell you how much I love when we sit to read story books together or pick a recipe to bake together. When she snuggles in beside me to listen or takes it and reads it to me it's a dream. Or on the chair beside me helping stir and adding ingredients to the mix is something I hope we can share for many many years together.

The baby days have gone by far too quickly yet I'm loving each stage with her more and more. My Mom was right, "as good as you think it is right now, it gets better, everyday".

So Zoey is indeed 3 now and she is amazing. We pray that everyday she knows how loved she is and continues to be who she is and discover what God has for her.

Someday, Zoey, you may read this and I hope you know that you have been loved unconditionally from the very beginning and we are so incredibly proud of you.

Happy 3rd Birthday Zoey! We love you <3

One Month, Two Kids...

I haven't been back to update the blog in a month, my apologies for neglecting this space. However, those who follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter have been inundated with loads of pictures and the occasional update on our day to day lives. We've also been able to get together with a number of our friends since Sy has been born which has been so amazing. The second time around at parenthood has been amazing and our kids have been incredible. Zoey has taken to being a big sister better than I could have even hoped, she is completely in love with her baby brother and asks where he is first thing every morning. She runs to the nursery to 'help' change his diaper (it mostly consists of her jumping in the crib shouting, 'Stinky diapers!'), she also loves to snuggle up to him whenever she can and hold his hand and tickle his feet. She has grown so much in the past few weeks and matured in front of my eyes. Friends warned me that she would seem so much bigger to me once baby comes home, but I could never have expected how drastic that would be. As soon as I saw my baby girl, she was still my baby girl, but all of a sudden she felt so grown up, her hand seemed bigger and she was heavier when I picked her up. The change threw me for a loop the first week, but I've realized how positive these changes are. Zoey's vocabulary has stretched and developed even more, she's accepted the Big Sister role with enthusiasm. I'm not sure how much Zoey knew about the changes coming her way while I was pregnant but you wouldn't know it now. I'm so incredibly proud of her.

Sy is doing great. He's had some issues with Acid Reflux for the first few weeks, but we are hopefully it's easing off a little. He has some sensitivities to the foods I eat, and we haven't totally been able to narrow it down yet, but that has gotten a little easier lately as well. I'm excited for when I can have coffee again, but for now Hot Chocolate in the morning is filling the routine void. I did avoid coffee for most of my pregnancy so it's not a huge burden, but with less sleep now, it would be nice. Outside of those issues with his poor tummy, Sylas is an incredibly relaxed baby boy. We felt significantly more relaxed ourselves this time around. Even with his dramatic entry into the world, we've felt amazing. Family that visited in the hospital commented on the differences they saw in us. After Zoey was born we felt shell shocked and overwhelmed, physically my recovery was rough and I didn't sleep the entire 2 days in the hospital. Nursing should have gone a little smoother but I allowed myself to be bullied a bit by the nearly 15 different nurses that rotated through our room. I was also unaware that it is perfectly normal for nursing to hurt like a bugger for the first few days to weeks. I also didn't know that the creams they have for nursing moms are really helpful. So for us, armed with knowledge of the potential challenges and a shocking, yet incredibly peaceful birth, we've felt really great since Sy's been home.

I also have to acknowledge our incredible church family at The Gate Christian Fellowship. We were flooded with meals and offers to help. Even though I felt so much better this time around, I didn't have to cook a meal for a couple weeks. Friends brought meals for our freezer, brought hot meals to share with us, visit, and snuggle Sy. Some friends even gave us multiple meals and brought clothes they no longer needed, for Sy. We have felt so much love from our church family and I hope you all know how incredible you all are and how much we appreciate everything!

I hope to do a better job recording all of Sy's growth,changes, and milestones. I have avoided my computer like the plague since I've been on mat leave and loving spending my days snuggled up with my babies. However, I love looking back at posts from Zoey's first year and reminiscing and I hope to be able to do the same for Sy. Perhaps once we're getting a little more sleep!

Sylas Josiah Duiker

Sylas Josiah Duiker

Roo is here and the entrance he made was nothing short of miraculous...and wild. I love a good Birth Story, as in I have been known to troll blogs and BabyCenter boards for them. Nothing is too graphic and the more details the better. It's a little odd, I know, but oh boy we now have a doozy of our own. Zoey's delivery was epic as well, since it brought us her. It was also painful and a whirlwind of emotions. I love her Birth Story because it taught me so much and shows me how well Henry and I communicate in high stress situations. It also set us up for Sylas delivery, cause guys, Sylas was born on the bathroom floor in our home.

I know, I never in a million years thought I would start the post of Roo's delivery that way.

It started on Friday, I had an appointment scheduled and I thought the activity might increase. I expected they may strip my membranes since I was overdue at that point. Zoey and I spent the morning snuggled on the couch and we watched her new favourite, Little Einsteins. My appointment was delayed by nearly 2 hours since my Dr had been called out for an emergency c section. Since I was overdue they asked if I minded coming back in an hour after he finished. I had a couple things I could do at the store so I headed out. Zoey and I thoroughly enjoyed taking our time strolling through Walmart and drinking the lemonade I got her at the Tim Hortons. In hindsight it was a wonderful way spend that afternoon together since things got hectic after that.

At my appointment we talked about the plan and how late we were comfortable going overdue. He said he thought it would happen soonish potentially but wanted me to go for a BioPhysical to make sure Baby was still alright hanging out in there. That sent things quickly in motion since I had to be there in give minutes and have someone to watch Zoey while I had the ultrasound and Non Stress Test. God was watching out for us even then as my sister was actually driving right by the hospital at that time and my dying cell phone had just enough charge to make the call to her. The Ultrasound is where Henry and I realized we were having a boy. They never revealed the gender but when they told me Baby was measuring at nearly 9 pounds! He wasn't quite that big but we both agree we were pretty sure Roo was a boy with that information. Everything looked good there and so I moved next to the Non Stress Test. While I was being monitored the nurse pointed out I was having some contractions. I had been running around so much until that point I didn't even notice. The nurse told me she was sure I would be coming back that night in full blown labor. I reviewed the signs to wait or look for as cues to come to the hospital. Even though I had done this before, we had been told when to go, so I felt a little unsure if I knew exactly when to make that call. After that they sent me home and I met Henry at home and I requested that we relax for the rest of the evening. So we made some nachos and snuggled in with Zoey to watch Madagascar 3, it was a lovely way to spend the early part of that night. After we tucked Zoey in, Henry and I went to bed with the goal to get some rest in case the nurse was right and we had a long night a head of us. Unfortunately rest never came our way and we indeed had a long night.

With Daddy at the hospital

I started tracking contractions and they were over time becoming increasingly close together, longer, and more intense. We were waiting for the contractions to become quite painful and about 4 - 5 minutes apart before we headed to the hospital per my instructions from the nurse. My sister came over before midnight so she could be here with Zoey if we needed to go suddenly. By 2 am rolled around we felt that we were indeed ready to head to the hospital. I had a goal to go without an epidural this time if I could manage, but by that point in my head I was trying to plan so that I would have the time to get one if things got unmanageable. Once we were at the hospital I was hooked up to the monitors for 30 minutes about and they tracked the contractions and tried to assess how far a long I was at that point. She checked my cervix and found I had only progress maybe a centimeter. The monitor showed the contractions were irregular and with the lack in change physically, the Dr on call and nurse said to go home, have a hot shower or bath and come back when we felt ready or if we were uncomfortable waiting at home. By the time we were at the Truck to head home the contractions were coming in waves and stopped me in my tracks. I told Henry that I had a feeling when they checked my cervix, things sped up. Still, home we went and I tried to mentally prepare for a very long night and day. I scrambled up our stairs once we were home as quickly as I could and laid in bed but that made me feel worse once the contractions hit me again and I told Henry I needed to be in the bath right away. Henry started to draw a hot bath and I jumped in before he had a chance to finish. It was incredible relief. I basked in the water and told Henry to go to bed and rest, assuming this process was going to take hours upon hours. However, within a half an hour I was having trouble staying on top of the contractions, breathing through them wasn't working much anymore and I started pouring more and more hot water into the tub desperate for relief. Henry came in to check on me and I was starting to doubt my ability to hang in there. We agreed to time the next couple contractions and then decide if it was time to head back. But that seemed impossible, we had only been home about 40 minutes. The last two contractions were nightmares that hung on for nearly two minutes a piece, the final one I jumped out of the tub feeling pressure that reminded me too much of the final minutes of labor with Zoey. I got out of the tub quickly thinking to myself it was too late and my water broke and then Henry and knew it was go time. Henry called the ambulance and told my sister to grab all the towels she could and let the paramedics in when they got there. When she asked what was happening, he just said, 'Ashley's having the baby upstairs'.

The pain at that point had really disappeared, I was more focused on the pushing and getting baby out effectively. I'm grateful that I had had the experience of labor and delivery once before since I was able to push and stay in control. While delivering in my bathroom was a new one, what it felt like to push and be in labor was familiar and that was in a way comforting. In perfect timing the paramedics arrived and very calmly sorted themselves out and one took over actually delivering Sylas. Henry was encouraging me the whole time as the shock of what was happening started to hit us. Suddenly I saw him and Henry told me it was a boy (I'm sure I also heard a hint of 'I was right' in there but he swears there wasn't). Henry cut the cord and they cleaned him up and gave him right back to Henry and I. When I got to hold him and look him over the first time it was amazing, I was exhausted but starting to feel normal again already and Sylas was so calm. I started to take in my surroundings and realized how many paramedics were in our house! There were 6 paramedics/firefighters and a stretcher packed in our bathroom and bedroom. I'm sure we'd be the talk of the neighborhood if it had all happened in the daylight. So our adventure started to wrap up as Sylas and I were loaded into the ambulance and our next one began as a family of four.

We were able to come home on Sunday and Henry has a week off so we can all get 'settled' together. Despite the zero sleep we're getting, we feel pretty amazing and are so in love with Sy. Zoey is smitten and loves to count his toes and fingers. She gives him little kisses and talks about Baby Sylas. She's had a few moments where I think she's felt frustrated with splitting our attention, but I think she's doing even better than we hoped!

So welcome precious Sy, it's already as if you've always been here. We love you so <3

Holidays and Overdue...

40 Weeks, on my last Due Date

I had three (ish) Due Dates for this pregnancy. The first was December 23rd which was supported by the ultrasounds, December 26th a random date that popped up at an appointment, and the last December 29th based on the LMP. The 29th is the date that is in my chart and that my Doctor is using for my care. I know not to put too much stock into Due Dates, especially since I had three this time around. However, I think that having a few made it a little confusing and challenging to figure out what my expectations could be. But at this point, all my Due Dates have passed and I am now in the two week countdown. Henry and I know we can handle another two weeks, we've done it before, but we admit we are excited and eager to have this part all wrapped up and finally start life as a family of four. At the same time, there is a strong possibility this will be our last pregnancy (as much as you can know these things at this stage) and I'm wanting to savour these last moments. I adore feeling the kicks and squirming, I love how at this stage you can watch your belly dance as baby wiggles and jockeys around in there. I'm also trying to take in the moments with Zoey as an 'only' child and spend some quality time with her since I know that my attention and energy will be spread a little thinner once Roo does arrive. It's a mix of emotions. So I'm trying to savour it all and be patient as we wait for potentially a few weeks longer, and at the same time be mentally prepared for the possibility that Roo could absolutely come anytime now. As Henry left for work this morning, I asked him, "In the unlikely event I go into labour today which phone do you want me to call?". Then we laughed since it's not really unlikely anymore. We just don't know what it's like to go into labour 'naturally' since it was kick started last time by breaking my water at the hospital. I would love to experience it a little more gradually this time, but as long as we all end up healthy in the end, I'm game.


As for holidays, Henry had a week off for Christmas again this year and has another week saved up for after Roo arrives. It's the first time off he's had in at least a year that we've been able to relax and spend together as a family. We were so grateful and blessed that our basement was complete and it allowed us to host our family and friends for meals and hockey games, as well we spent a lot of time with Zoey playing with toys and snuggling on the couch. The time was also used to run errands together and go on coffee dates as a couple and with Zoey. Zoey absolutely adored having Daddy around and completely smothered him with attention. She insisted on Daddy putting her to bed every night. I don't think she would have let him go the entire week if she had the chance. I decided to give Henry a bit of a break and took Zoey to Walmart myself to grab a couple things and as we pulled away from the house and she realized Daddy wasn't coming, she whimpered until she fell asleep. It means so much to all of us that Henry had that time with her and that their bond is so strong. When Henry left for work this morning, he asked for a hug and she was too upset with him to oblige. Having your child love you is a pretty okay problem to have.

Helping us with the instructions for Racko

Just terrible

Daddy helping with her boots before church

Making Daddy's hair smell like Green Apples

Just doing some light reading

Out for lunch and colouring with Daddy

So for now we wait and pray that all goes well, and if at all possible, things happen on their own. And until then, we'll savour the time in between together and even sleeping through the night! :)

A Merry Christmas, But No Christmas Baby...

39 Weeks

Zoey snuggled up on Christmas Evening

A change in expectations can really take the pressure off. I had my last check on Christmas Eve and for about a week we have all been waiting, thinking with the symptoms and constant Pre Labour I was having, that Roo could come any minute. I don't think there was anything wrong with that, but it sets you up for some pressure. I was wanting Roo to come while my Sister in Law was here for Christmas and early in Henry's Christmas holidays. After chatting with Henry early Christmas morning, we realized that we had put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and honestly, the one birth we've experience was 2 weeks after the Due Date. It's not to say that Roo couldn't surprise us and come this week, but the likely hood seems low at this stage. I reminded myself that I know how to go 2 weeks overdue and I'm really okay with that. Other than sore hips and rotating 3 outfits as my belly outgrows all my clothes, I can't complain too much. With this new perspective, we have a plan in place that ensures Henry has enough time off after Roo is born and until then we can relax and enjoy the family time that we have. I think the stress of the end of work and the unknown factor in planning for the Christmas Holidays was more than I had anticipated or expected. But we have some pretty incredible family and friends who are more than accommodating as we wait.

Setting up her own mini Christmas Tree

We had a great visit with Henry's sister and her husband, Henry's parents, and my Mom and sister. It was a fantastic Christmas and Zoey loved it all, and was completely exhausted by the excitement! She was, as usual, totally spoiled with thoughtful and generous gifts from family. She LOVED opening them this year, her little hands frantically searching for edges to tear. She was sweet enough to help open everyone's gifts this year. Henry and I decided this year to do a smaller Christmas (in regards to gifts) with me going on mat leave right away, etc we thought we would like to keep it more low key, which really has always been our goal. So we were excited to pick out a World Vision gift as a family and a few smaller things for each other. It was really nice doing things that way this year and I think regardless of our circumstances, that's how we want Christmas to look in our house with our children. Focuses on the reason for the season, Jesus.

So with a change in perspective in regards to Roo's arrival, I am far more relaxed and honestly expecting baby will come sometime in January and I am completely okay with that. My Christmas Eve appointment told me there was very little change despite the continuous Pre Labour contractions. But as I said before, I'm feeling pretty good, exhausted, but good. I know that once Roo is here, I'll feel exhausted in a whole different way.

We are so very appreciative of all the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. Keep them coming and I'll be sure keep you posted!